My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I think if you turn down the volume on the good comedy, you should not even know if it's a comedy or… — Peter Billingsley Copy Share Image
I can't think of another place other than TV where a five-person sketch comedy group could make a living. — Adam Conover Copy Share Image
Men are like puppies, adorable, then you take them home and they crap over everything you ever treasured. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
“Are you real?” Stupid. Of course he’s real. “Yes, Julie. I’m not the mystical man from your dreams.” — Caroline George Copy Share Image
“I keep my feet candy-coated because I never know when one or both of them will wind up in my mouth.” — Linda Yezak Copy Share Image
I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one. — Sandra Bernhard Copy Share Image
“Wait, you are not even surprised that your own uncle, framed you, for an assassination?” “No, I’m surprisingly not surprised.".” — Rea Lidde Copy Share Image
“There is new information.” “Are you going to share it?” “No.” Of course not. Because it would totally ruin his whole mysterious… — Mimi Jean Pamfiloff Copy Share Image
“He has a very nice face and style, really," said Mrs. Kenwigs. "He certainly has," added Miss Petowker. "There's something in his… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Besides…where Rincewind went’ – he lowered his voice – ‘trouble followed behind.’ Ridcully noticed that the wizards drew a little closer together.… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“Ed? Are you alive?’ ‘Yes..and that’s genuinely surprising since your bike went over me about halfway down. You’re a very dangerous girl… — Cath Crowley Copy Share Image
I think with comedy I get very sort of critical of myself and try and do the best I can and it… — Elisha Cuthbert Copy Share Image
“In fact that is why the lives of most women are so vaguely unsatisfactory. They are always doing secondary and menial things… — Brenda Ueland Copy Share Image
“The goodie drawer of all goodie drawers. This dildo not only throbs, vibrates, expands, and comes equipped with hands-free feature, it sings… — J.D. Robb Copy Share Image
“No matter how grouchy you're feeling, you'll find the smile more or less healing. It grows in a wreath all around the… — Anthony Euwer Copy Share Image
If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. — Seth MacFarlane Copy Share Image
Women, somehow, have the same fear of witty men as of fireworks. — Douglas William Jerrold Copy Share Image
