“I flopped on the overstuffed kitchen couch and watched him go. I wondered what would happen to all his films and photographs… — Joan Bauer Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“It is customary to have vampires in stories nowadays - they are quite the norm, just like wicked stepmothers used to be.… — Jane De Suza Copy Share Image
“Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They… — Allie Brosh Copy Share Image
“They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his… — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
When I was 14, I told my mother I was going to drop out of high school and go do stand-up comedy.… — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
I was ballet dancing at four, playing piano by six, and doing commercials by 12. When I was 21, I was on… — Roselyn Sanchez Copy Share Image
“There's a reason why most men don't read romance: Romance novels are wish-fulfillment for women. The fictitious men in romance novels fall… — Oliver Markus Malloy Copy Share Image
“When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that's because I don't eat at a table, I… — Kelli Jae Baeli Copy Share Image
A lot of comedy clubs are set up with people sitting at little tables and you have everything from the way they… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You know, if I started worrying about what the critics think, I'd never make another comedy. You couldn't pick a less funny… — Todd Phillips Copy Share Image
“Wait. Are you saying what I think you're saying?' 'Ye-es.' Now that I had spilled the beans I could take on the… — André Aciman Copy Share Image
“I don't know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers.… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
“We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot… — Elle Parker Copy Share Image
“The princess turns to him, serious. 'You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being… — Pauly Shore Copy Share Image
I naturally think in terms of comedy whenever I see anything because tragedy is so close to comedy, so I like to… — Amy Hill Copy Share Image
“Karen Owens has captured this witty little paradox in equally engaging verse: Can omniscient God, who Knows the future, find The… — Richard Dawkins Copy Share Image
“She. Spoke. To. Him. First. It was like winning the lottery, getting laid, and climbing the highest cliff all rolled into one.… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“Try 'Thank-you'," Ted said, giving me a hug (with the requirement of pounding me fraternally on the back - the only way… — Blake Petit Copy Share Image
“There'll never be a perfect breakfast eaten until some man grows arms long enough to stretch down to New Orleans for his… — O. Henry Copy Share Image
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I love comedy with a passion, and I hope that shows in my work. I would never want to move an inch… — Darren Boyd Copy Share Image
“Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“The remnants of my dress hung like tentacles and from my back arched a pari of towering wings, feather-light but suggesting enourmous… — Alexandra Adornetto Copy Share Image
“Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was… — Arthur Nersesian Copy Share Image
“...'Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can't stop lustin' after the goddamn ineffable.' "She said… — Robert Coover Copy Share Image
“You’re a fool,” Quinhelm accused. “Any man who would allow himself to be bewitched by a woman needs a good dunking in… — Ann B. Keller Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd's house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it… — Kristin Walker Copy Share Image
I became an actor by accident. I suppose I figured since I was in musical comedy from the time I was a… — Christopher Walken Copy Share Image
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was… — Dave Chappelle Copy Share Image
“He knew for a fact that he was so hopelessly bad at seeing through camouflage that, if left alone in the forest,… — Sorin Suciu Copy Share Image
Thirdly, the explorationists are willing to only move equipment during the winter, which means they'll be on ice roads, and remove the… — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
“If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control… — Martha Wells Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
“Jimmy said, "We survived slavery. Think about that. Not because we were strong. The American Indians were strong, and they were on… — Maya Angelou Copy Share Image
I'm not mad keen on comedy that points the finger at people and ridicules them. I don't find that very funny. I… — Caroline Quentin Copy Share Image
“I need to stop saying LMAO because that is precisely what's happening; I wish I could rewind time by two decades, immortalize… — Donna Lynn Hope Copy Share Image
