“Couldn’t you hypnotize her or something?" "It doesn’t work like that." "I thought vampires were all sex gods with the ladies." Cade… — Christopher Farnsworth Copy Share Image
I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“That guy with the silver hair, he’s your dad, right?” Amber questioned, surveying the scene. “Yes,” I said, reluctant to say anything… — Brandi Salazar Copy Share Image
You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more… — Bob Newhart Copy Share Image
“** The fall semester will offer such classes as Learning When to Shut Up, Asking for Directions, Chick Flicks 101 and The… — K. Larsen Copy Share Image
I've only made short films and two features, which are very different. One is a surreal comedy, and the other is a… — Sophie Barthes Copy Share Image
I think one of the great things about 'Bridesmaids' is that it's a big studio comedy, but all of the relationships in… — Adam Scott Copy Share Image
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
“Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on… — Celia Rivenbark Copy Share Image
“No. Seriously. Speak American and not this ancient and very fucked-up, confusing olden-day Euro crap. Without the confusing woo-woo refrences, explain why… — P.C. Cast Copy Share Image
“Some people find it comfortable to go through life on their knees, and good luck to them, but I prefer to keep… — Beryl Bainbridge Copy Share Image
“Define normal, Clara?” I laughed when I tried to figure out the true definition. “Normal is a function on a washing machine,… — Kathryn Morgan Parry Copy Share Image
As far as ever wanting to give up, there have been a few times where I thought, 'Man, am I even good… — Tiffany Haddish Copy Share Image
“Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up… — Nicole Hamlett Copy Share Image
“Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, "You're… — Katie Heaney Copy Share Image
“Tesla,” the vicar mused. “That’s a foreign name, is it not? Hungarian, is it?” “Serbian,” I corrected him. “I’m afraid the ——shire… — Vinnie Tesla Copy Share Image
I decided I'd try my hand as a stand-up comedian, as I loved making people laugh, and appeared at the Latitude Festival,… — Daniel Rigby Copy Share Image
“We've got this heat going on, that's all. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not go into that end… — Nora Roberts Copy Share Image
I do feel like in filmmaking you are largely in control of the perception of you. If you want to be seen… — Leigh Whannell Copy Share Image
“I think this is simultaneously the most ridiculous and most serious conversation we've ever had," I said. "I don't like Jell-O and… — L.D. Davis Copy Share Image
“By the way he reacted, you would have thought I told him that slavery never happened. He laid into me with the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I'm perfectly discriminating,' he said with a devilish smile. 'How's that? No blondes after Labour Day?' 'I said I was discriminating, not… — Ally Blake Copy Share Image
“I situate myself, and seat myself, And where you recline I shall recline, For every armchair belonging to you as good as… — Henry N. Beard Copy Share Image
Hey, which one of them is supposed to be your boyfriend?” Stark asked me. Even in the terrible shape he was in,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a… — Kirk Douglas Copy Share Image
“There you go! That's better! You look good smiling! You know, you really shouldn't be gloomy all the time. I've met a… — M.L LeGette Copy Share Image
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
“Nicholas: I know you, brother. You've been threatened with matrimonial pursuits before. Why are you really here? William: I received an invitation.… — Donna MacMeans Copy Share Image
“Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?”… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you… — Katie Lowes Copy Share Image
“In a sense, all life is a prank. We are not who we appear to be and no one else is as… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
We read Charlotte Bronte not for exquisite observation of character, not for comedy, not for a philosophic view of life, but for… — Virginia Woolf Copy Share Image
“When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
“I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go,… — Annie Dillard Copy Share Image
“Verily I say unto you," Stuart said, looking Cyril straight in the eye and folding his arms, "that if you do not… — Martha Finley Copy Share Image
When I did stand-up at U.C.B., and I had a blog for a couple of years that started my writing career, 'Totally… — Erin Foster Copy Share Image
Some people don't seem to be able to distinguish between humour and what you really feel. They forget that there's a difference… — Limmy Copy Share Image
