Humor Quotes · Page 584

“I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest, Children dying in the road, Crawling things hooked and baited, Rapists bound and then castrated, Villains…

— Roman Payne

I'm sure everyone's got their back story. I don't come from a place of where I was tortured and needed to let…

— Adam Sandler

“It seem that there is not much of a difference between criticism and advice. It all depends on how the other person…

— Cheese in the Trap

Women have always been funny. I got asked so many times in interviews when I was younger, 'Can women be funny?' And…

— Rebecca Front

Since 'The Office,' everyone has this idea that comedy is only good if it reflects the way people really speak. But that's…

— Lee Mack

“So you killed him with what now?" "I tried that Dr. Phil book at first"..."And I finished it off with the toilet…

— Jesse Petersen

“Monseigneur, I have killed you! You are dead! You are dead!" You display an unseemly joy," he remarked. "I had no notion…

— Georgette Heyer

“By journey's end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham…

— Sarah Vowell

“He smiled and kissed me. It wasn't precisely a peck on the lips, and my wild vampiric reactions took me off guard…

— Stephenie Meyer

“What the hell is going on?" demanded Kami's dad, advancing with his black eyes snapping. Jared blurted, "My intentions are honourable." Kami…

— Sarah Rees Brennan

“...Never opt for war, no matter how simple it may seem, especially when you know that peace is achievable, even if achieving…

— Janvier Chouteu-Chando

They say crazy people don't realize that they are crazy... I guess then, one sure way to maintain your sanity is to…

— David Cha

NOW HIRING: Someone to cook, clean, pay bills, and give me unlimited spending money. Must be willing to work for free. Send…

— Glen Rambharack

“Some people say he engineered his own arrest to gain an insight into modern methods of policing for a thriller he had…

— Graham Spaid

You just make sure you don't screw it up. It's going to work as long as you don't mess it up. Hopefully…

— Harold Ramis

I believe comedy should be free to go anywhere. I believe that there is tasteful and untasteful, I think they're very close…

— David Dobkin

“A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you…

— Robert Morrissette

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for…

— Jimmy Carr

“So Walter Arensberg, Alfred Kreymborg, Carl Sandburg, Louis Untermeyer, Eunice Tietjens, Clara Shanafelt, James Oppenheim, Maxwell Bodenheim, Richard Glaenzer, Scharmel Iris, Conrad…

— Francis Scott Fitzgerald

“What do I believe? I believe that it's easier to sit at home in your yoga pants, with your Lean Cuisine Cafe…

— Ann Shayne

“Lady Catherine, in her infinite good humor, allows a certain . . . informality of manner. She is everything that is pleasant…

— Jann Rowland

“I would have stolen it for you, had I known you were interested." His voice was muffled by the door to the…

— Laurie R. King

I don't personally feel comfortable performing in a comedy club, mainly because as an audience member, I've never enjoyed that experience. It…

— Michael Showalter

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener…

— Robert Orben

“Then it sounds to me like you love her. And if you love her, then tell her she belongs to you and…

— Shelly Laurenston

“Warren threatened my life if I left you alone,” he said. “Really?” I asked surprised. He laughed and nodded his head. “Yea.…

— Elicia Hyder

“Do you really think that I don’t have anything better to do than to spend my time thinking about you? Digging up…

— Rachel Gibson

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and…

— Louis C. K

My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know…

— Erma Bombeck

I think I'm one of those guys who was sort of always in comedy. I thought of myself - and other people…

— Andy Daly

What helps you as an actor when it comes to roles is that deeper understanding of so many different fractions of humanity.…

— David Koechner

“I can tell you that she's not breathing,” he said. “She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have…

— John Zakour

You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.…

— Joss Whedon

“What made you know so much about all of this?” She didn’t try to come across as angry, just curious. “It’s called…

— Anna Aquino

The audience bursts into laughter. With the tragic gag I don't expect the audience to laugh (if they do, I have failed)…

— Jean Cocteau

“Well," the Marsh King pursed his beak politely, "at any rate, your manliness need only last for a relatively brief period. I…

— Catherynne M. Valente

What really holds their marriage together are mutual respect of an awesome depth, a shared sense of humor, faith that they were…

— Dean Koontz

“While inside the vaulting of the ribs between his knees the darkly meated heart pumped of who's will and the blood pulsed…

— Cormac McCarthy

“Success. I turned back to my sandwich, only to find that it wasn’t there anymore. Maybe because it had been hijacked. “Give…

— Karen Chance

“Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But…

— Amy Mah