Humor Quotes · Page 56

“Chef don't judge.”

— Chef Boyardee

“We love you Effie!”

— Suzanne Collins

“...but freedom is scary.”

— Renata Suerth

I have three kids, one of each.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Laughter is an instant vacation.

— Milton Berle

Anything can be funny, man.

— Deon Cole

Wit is educated insolence.

— Aristotle

“Tink's a Disneyland whore!"-Jenks”

— Kim Harrison

“Beth from accounting is just sitting in her car eating spaghetti.”

— Ryan Mecum

“I am not going to pretend to write a love letter to another man.”

— Julianne Donaldson

Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.

— Mark Twain

The moment seemed endless, but it was probably only half that.

— Steve Toltz

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

— Mario

“Vampires have credit cards?" "We're undead, not Amish.”

— Jennifer Colgan

“I shan't make a fuss over the babe's father.”

— Mary E. Pearson

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Whoever keeps his mouth shut when he realizes that he is wrong is wise and he who holds the mouth even if…

— Vikrant Parsai

“Far be it from me to keep a woman from her book. That could become dangerous.”

— Elizabeth Hunter

[Eric:] "I'm hoping that the more you see me, the more I'll grow on you." [Sookie:] "Like a fungus?

— Charlaine Harris

You get your cards, place your bets, and play the best game you can. The House always wins.

— Rock Cowles

“The beginning of forgiveness is often exhaustion. You're pooped; thank God.”

— Anne Lamott

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

— Jim Gaffigan

“I always wonder how many potholes there are in the road less taken. I mean it's great to go where others don't,…

— Neil Leckman

“I'm intelligent because my mother stood in the brain-line and not the train-line.”

— LORRAINE GOKUL

I try to make my daughter laugh often. I try to do lots of playdates and be part of her life. It's…

— Lenny Henry

“I was eating a steak at a local restaurant last night, when a random woman said: "Y'know, you'd be much better off…

— Quentin R. Bufogle

Social laughter is momentary, soon burns itself out and passes away like the fire and smokes of straw, but genius shakes the…

— Boris Sidis

“Does it hurt now?" he asked, his tone rough and seductive. "No." She shook her head again and sighed, trying to pretend…

— Eden Summers

“The afternoon's glory was tainted by the voice on the other end. "I was so very sorry not to have the pleasure…

— Davis Bunn

“Do you remember when I told you that I sometimes believe that you’re not real? That I imagined you just to hurt…

— Amy A. Bartol

“The big difference between my mom and me-- besides the fact that she is dead normal and I'm a magic-handling freak-- is…

— Robin McKinley

In the movies I've done for Sony, they've never given me quadrant specific notes ever. They say "Keep making it. Just make…

— Will Gluck

“Sidekick? Fuck you, porky.”

— Julie James

What year did Jesus think it was?

— George Carlin

Success is the enemy of comedy.

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Cynisism is humour in ill health.”

— H.G. Wells

“Complimenting yourself again?”

— L. R. W. Lee

“Diplomacy never works.”

— Nadia Scrieva

Beware the god who cannot laugh.

— Alain de Benoist

“Homegirl needs a sandwich.”

— S.L. Jennings