Humor Quotes · Page 548

“I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce, and this is what I get in return?”

— Barbara Valentin

“All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.”

— Anita Clenney

The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing.

— Martin Luther

“You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control.”

— Jayde Scott

It is the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor.

— Anonymous

“The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity. — RJPeters”

— R.J. Peters

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

— Groucho Marx

“I found a dead body in the cucumber patch,' I told them. 'How very like you,' Ophelia said, and went on preening…

— Alan Bradley

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians,…

— Rita Rudner

Ambition is, of all other, the most contrary humor to solitude; and glory and repose are so inconsistent that they cannot possibly…

— Michel de Montaigne

I am not all about sex, but it is a big part of me, I love plenty sex, but I also love…

— Glen Rambharack

You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me." "I was ninety percent sure." "I see," Clary…

— Cassandra Clare

“Being photographed was dead time for the soul. Can the head think, while it does the same half smile under the same…

— Martin Amis

“By the 1920s if you wanted to work behind a lunch counter you needed to know that 'Noah's boy' was a slice…

— Bill Bryson

“I know I only want him,' she said between sobs, the syllables all wrong, 'because he doesn't want me . How is…

— Olivia Sudjic

I started to do a study on how not to do stand-up comedy. Yeah, it's lonely work. You die, you die alone.…

— Jim Varney

“The major difference between a relationship and a novel draft is that you hae control over your novel's outcome.”

— Jordan E. Rosenfeld

“But I am thinking like a lover, or like an ass: which I suppose is pretty nearly the same.”

— Charles Dickens

“Look at the first arch in a human and a shark, and you find a very similar state of affairs: jaws.”

— Neil Shubin

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

— Bob Packwood

“But that's how it goes; you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.”

— Neil Gaiman

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

— steven wright

My wife is so funny and talented and never lets anybody fail next to her.

— Mark Consuelos

“Do you want your scarf back?' I asked. 'No, just the girl who goes with it.' Oh my gosh, that guy knows…

— Robin Brande

I have quite a dry sense of humour. It comes out when I'm feeling nervous.

— Phoebe Fox

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

— Anonymous

“Amber laughed. "What makes you think I'd marry you?" "What makes you think you'd have a choice?" "I'm not into bad guys,"…

— Jayde Scott

“Marvelous, isn’t it, how these Germans can shoot back at us even when they’re fucking dead.”

— Ken Follett

I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.

— Sarah Silverman

“Sin: I've survived a winter in Siberia when I was ten. Boyd: what were you doing there at ten years old? Sin:…

— Santino Hassell

I've been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don't plan on stopping.

— Iliza Shlesinger

“I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get dogs pregnant.” -Grandma Mazur”

— Janet Evanovich

“Trace is cooking Nonna's lasagna." "Wow. I must see this." "He was wearing her little apron and everything." "Got a camera?”

— Joss Stirling

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

— Frankie Boyle

“People need irony in order to build interpersonal trust based on self-knowledge, humor and critical thinking.”

— Hanzi Freinacht

From my dad ... I think we have a similar sense of humor. I don't know if that's a good or bad…

— Jenna Bush

“Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.”

— Kristin Cashore

It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce.

— George W. Bush

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

— Anonymous

“And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it.”

— John Green