Humor Quotes · Page 549

I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my bitch button and we'll be great

— Anonymous

“The old vacuum cleaner keeps dying on her over and over until at last the cleaning woman scares it by yelling: "Motherfucker!”

— Lydia Davis

Anyone without a sense of humor is too pretentious to be a good magician.

— Anton Szandor LaVey

Yeah, race exists. Racism is still here, and it's doing well. Turn on the news. I don't think me and my comedy…

— Tracy Morgan

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

— Don Rickles

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

— Garrison Keillor

“I had no idea what I was paying James, but based on his picnic-assembling skills alone, he needed a raise.”

— Lish McBride

No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple…

— Tom Smothers

“Have you been walking in the woods in the last few days?" Matt asked. Lola cleared her throat anxiously. What had she…

— Bonnie J. James

“Am I meant to not reply to Josh From HR’s texts, do you think? Hell, maybe I am. Maybe he liked me…

— Gemma Burgess

“My Uriah,' said Mrs. Heep, 'has looked forward to this, sir, a long while. He had his fears that our umbleness stood…

— Charles Dickens

“You know, at least Gabriel showed up announced like a gentleman. He even told Mila that she looked beautiful. You and your…

— Skyla Madi

In general in comedy, there are fewer people making a ton of money and a lot more people making a living. For…

— Nick Kroll

“PREFACE PROBLEM: Nobody reads prefaces. SOLUTION: Call the preface Chapter 1. NEW PROBLEM CREATED BY SOLUTION: Chapter 1 is boring. RESOLUTION: Throw…

— Gerald M. Weinberg

I thought people would ask me really personal questions because I've shown more of myself, but it's a comedy, and people understand…

— Charlotte Gainsbourg

“Maybe you’re sleepwalking. And sleeptexting. And sleepprimping.” “What’s next?” I grumbled to myself. Things were getting more out of control by the…

— Karina Halle

It's safe to say I'm a comedy nerd. I listen to so many podcasts. I just love to laugh.

— Allison Williams

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they…

— Anthony Jeselnik

'Make a remark,' said the Red Queen; 'it's ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the pudding!'

— Lewis Carroll

“There are two things you should never do alone: one is get divorced, the other is drink.”

— Cheryl Nielsen

“Our sense of humor," said Mother, her eyes pooled with laughing tears. "They can't take that away from us, right?”

— Ruta Sepetys

“Day one of school and he was already improving life for his host. What a great parasite he was.”

— Charleigh Frederick

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.

— Lin Yutang

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

— Craig Ferguson

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because worrying is bad…

— Anonymous

“Jason tilts his head toward me, his hand moving slyly across his book. Stupid. Speech. Woman. ”

— Cynthia Lord

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair…

— Kristen Schaal

At the end of the day, stand-up comedy is like acting when the audience are the other characters that I'm acting with.

— Brett Gelman

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

— Art Buchwald

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

— Dave Chappelle

“Finding any semblance of unity would require extraordinary pattern-recognition skills, a keen imagination, and a hearty sense of humor”

— Paul Halpern

“This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.”

— Karina Bliss

Philip Larkin has a tough honesty and sense of humor that I find irresistible, as a contemporary poet.

— Robert Morgan

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

— Mitch Hedberg

“When you told me you wrote a book, I laughed. Then I read it, and I wasn't laughing any more. It was…

— My Husband about Demon Mine

My deepest fear about doing TV, especially about doing a network comedy, was what if it felt too surface-y? What if it…

— Ari Graynor

“My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!”

— George Carlin

Paltrow is a lovely, watchable actress. She has a likeable sense of humour in interviews.

— Grace Dent

“I cringed as the band oozed into the next chord. If notes were cars, I think there was a D major under…

— Mary Hughes

“It’s hardly the time for sense, I should think, since nonsense has been serving us so well”

— E.J. Patten