Humor Quotes · Page 526

“Dilettantes,’ Art3mis said. ‘It’s their own fault for not knowing all the Schoolhouse Rock! lyrics by heart.”

— Ernest Cline

There's no life without humour. It can make the wonderful moments of life truly glorious, and it can make tragic moments bearable.

— Rufus Wainwright

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

— Steven Wright

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

— Mitch Hedberg

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

— Mitch Hedberg

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the…

— Arthur Smith

“Oh, gods. Not the flying!” “I heard you mounted my sister well enough.” “I want you never to make that statement again.”

— G.A. Aiken

Comedy and drama are like two different sports; they both require athleticism but they're different.

— Jimmy O. Yang

There's something strange about comedy requests. I guess if you enjoy something, why not hear it again? But there's something weird about…

— Paul F. Tompkins

“Angus is amusing himself by ambushing the postman. Och aye, they may have taken his trouser snake addendums, but they cannae tak…

— Louise Rennison

“...like the twig furniture she made, thinking it was going to make us rich, only she's shit with a hammer and nails…

— Susan Juby

I brought home a baby without telling [husband John McCain], and he not only took it in stride but loved it, immediately…

— Cindy McCain

I think I was the only person in my experimental film class doing comedy. But my sense of humor and a lot…

— Andy Samberg

“What do you have in this car?" he asked. "What do you mean, like weapons?" "That would be a good start." "Well,…

— Richard Castle

I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club (in New York City)…

— Sarah Silverman

“You couldn’t just tell an octillion atoms to drop whatever they were doing, rearrange themselves into a completely new configuration and do…

— Jester Bobbity

There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.

— George W. Bush

“There’s always less to do than you think. If there’s more to do than you think, then do that also.”

— Art Hochberg

I think New Yorkers - they're media savvy. People have a sense of humor.

— Billy Eichner

I'm funny when I want to be. And I'm even funny when I don't want to be.

— Elaine Stritch

I love being around people who love to do what I love to do, which is comedy.

— Tracy Morgan

“(...)best of luck, avoid roasted cabbage, don't eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life!”

— Christopher Paolini

Winter's notion of poetry is tragedy. It knows nothing of comedy. Its laughter was frozen on its lips long ago.

— William Alfred Quayle

You've always been a great mom because of your patience, sense of humor, and fondness for daytime drinking.

— Anonymous

I have to stop saying How stupid can you be? I think people are taking it as a challenge.

— Anonymous

I can't imagine a successful comedy movie without a successful comedy performance at the heart of it.

— Harold Ramis

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

— W. C. Fields

How much better would the world be if a liars pants really did catch on fire.

— Anonymous

People in real life don't get ballplayers' humor, the way we talk in the clubhouse.

— Justin Verlander

“I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.”

— Dave Attell

“It’s simply the most adorable thing ever: My mother has joined a gang.”

— Josh Lieb

“He had probably been thrown out of a wine shop, and it hadn't quite dawned on him yet.”

— Kafka, Franz

I think if actors don't think of themselves as funny in real life they think they can't do comedy.

— Ben Barnes

“I felt like I was well on my way to becoming the neighborhood cat lady. All I needed were the cats.”

— J. Lynn

“If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God…

— Shannon L. Alder

“You arrogant, selfish, egotistical, medieval, despotic, swollen-headed, dumb, idiot penis owner!”

— Christine Warren

Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings. . .

— Anonymous

“There's something infinitely fascinating or fatal about a woman behind the wheel.”

— Ahmed Mostafa

“Nothing is easier to write than scenery; nothing more difficult and unnecessary to read.”

— Jerome K. Jerome

The binders, the charts, the grids may seem formidable, but the meetings themselves are built around informality, trust, emotion and humor.

— Jack Welch