Humor Quotes · Page 522

It's a no-win situation with politics; it's always going to be stressful. I'm more into the comedy of life.

— Jordan Peele

I'm sort of known in the comedy community as 'Smooth Sailing,' just 'cause everything always goes great. I've always had success at…

— Jon Glaser

Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.

— Jerry Coleman

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike…

— Dane Cook

“The bad part is you freeze your balls off, but since you're not allowed to breed anyway, I don't suppose that matters.”

— George R.R. Martin

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

— Nancy Springer

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

— Ambrose Bierce

I want to see good-quality comedy shows, not the slapstick ones or where people imitate others.

— Jennifer Winget

“Sometimes, how others look at it must not be how you should see it! Sometimes, how it means to others must not…

— Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

“Then one last thought tugs at me, so I turn back. "So why did you name me Tamsin?" I ask. "You always…

— Carolyn MacCullough

Situation comedy on television has thrived for years on 'canned' laughter, grafted by gaglines by technicians using records of guffawing audiences that…

— Russell Baker

“... you've experienced the single scene out there - it's blood test and background checks and references and 'Please pee in this…

— Katie MacAlister

“True. The planets are in a formation, a pentagram. It's as if they were pulled together on purpose." "Maybe they were. Where…

— Katie Mattie

“Dressing, I chose the second shirt, the one softened in the mouth of a trained and perfumed albino hippopotamus and made entirely…

— Nick Harkaway

We waited for Congress to act. They couldn't act on the issue. So I just went ahead and signed an executive order…

— George W. Bush

“...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible…

— Joshua Donellan

In terms of level of difficulty, it would go comedy, thriller, and then romantic drama.

— Sydney Pollack

If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race.

— Laura Schlessinger

“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.”

— Dan Florence

Zen is non-serious. Zen has a tremendous sense of humor. No other religion has evolved so much that it can have that…

— Rajneesh

“I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ”

— Adam Clayton Powell

The first time I heard Richard Pryor, I knew he would be a major force in the world of comedy.

— Bob Newhart

“Her soul is clear of any red seals, but that won't last long, ' cause Papa's come to play.”

— Victoria Scott

“Colin: "1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex." He looked truly puzzled.”

— Nina Bangs

I don't like comedy that makes me feel worse about the world than I already felt before I turned it on.

— Zach Woods

“Dumb as he looked, he never missed an insult. Dr. Rowan musing about Simple Silas”

— Ava Gray

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you…

— Sarah Silverman

“If with the millions of nerves in your body and you still don't feel the pain of others, then you probably might…

— Eli Coffie

“My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.”

— David Sedaris

“She's using you to get to me," Hi said confidently. "Both of them. They've caught Hiram fever." I nodded. "Of course. It…

— Kathy Reichs

“I’m a creature of the night.” Slitted eyes peered at her suspiciously. “Good God, you’re not a morning person, are you?”

— Tiffany Allee

“Jesus: I was nearly lynched by a mob made up of my hometown synagogue congregation.”

— Rick Klaus Theis

Nothing is as universal as some good scatalogical humor. Even if it means having to be a little silly or cheeky, I…

— Sarah Kay

“Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

“Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).”

— John D. Rhodes

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

— Bob Saget

When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

— Anonymous

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

— Mitch Hedberg

“You're a ring-wearing, save-yourself-for-marriage kind of girl. I dig that.”

— E.C. Newman

Kipling: Where's your sense of humor? Rebis: We're working on reconstructing it...

— Grant Morrison