Humor Quotes · Page 516

“Do what your heart - and your instincts - command and you will not be disappointed!”

— Mary Alice Kruesi

Comedy is underrepresented in every actor's life, because it's so bloody difficult to write.

— Michael Caine

“Actually, I wish you were a chef. Then I'd get something out of this relationship.”

— Wesley Chu

“If it had been great sex I doubt I'd remember he tooted between thrusts.”

— Laura Castoro

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

— Lewis Black

“Sex drives the world and sex in on every human mind, be it a prophet or be it a saint, history has…

— Santosh Kalwar

Robbie minced into my life and he had the same oddball sense of humour as me. It was love at first laugh.

— Ayda Field

“Jeremy seemed happy to move up in the world, if "the world" meant high school and "moving up" meant sitting in the…

— Michelle Madow

“You think this is some sort of comedy going on here?” Collins gave him his tough stare. A little red spark flared…

— Ilona Andrews

There's timing in drama. You have to have a sense of rhythm. But the real thing that lends yourself to drama as…

— Bob Odenkirk

So many people have no sense of humor, whatsoever! Everyone knows that it is my job to tell the jokes, that's what…

— Kathy Griffin

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need…

— Mitch Hedberg

“Murdering anything is just plain criminal, but a Southerner murdering a magnolia? Well, that's an unforgivable sacrilege against nautre and the South.”

— Beth Hoffman

She [Gypsy Rose Lee] was a sophisticated self-satirist with a contagious delight in the comedy of sex. She was coy; she was…

— Karen Abbott

I'm not offended. Lenny Bruce taught me that everything's funny. You can make everything funny. I don't think that assassinations are funny,…

— Larry King

'Star Trek' tends to take itself a little too seriously. They were either very dramatic shows, or if we did a humorous…

— Robert Picardo

“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”

— Bill Maher

“If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.”

— Eugene Mirman

I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.

— John Oliver

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a…

— Chic Murray

“Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law.”

— Samuel Butler

Sometimes I do smart things. Sometimes I do dumb things. Most of the time I don't do anything.

— Gorilla Rising Hintz

I think that we all enjoy silliness to varying degrees but I think everyone can enjoy a relatable thing if it is…

— Paul F. Tompkins

“He had a lot of muscle and a skill level somewhere between Batman and Rambo.”

— Janet Evanovich

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

— Jasper Fforde

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath…

— Steven Wright

Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right. I shall not please, but I shall say what is true.

— Aristophanes

“If you go to movies, choose the funny ones first and avoid anything you know will end on a sad note.”

— Scott Adams

“Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.”

— Jen Lancaster

Try to exercise gentleness, kindness and humour, and you cannot go far wrong.

— Sophie Winkleman

Days of Dutch courage, just three French letters, and a German sense of humour.

— Elvis Costello

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

— Dylan Moran

To be famous in comedy is unbearably difficult. But I don't care what people know me for as long as they know…

— Andrew Santino

“Limit your day to what you feel comfortable with doing – put the rest on the shelf – for further consideration down the line.”

— Art Hochberg

The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.

— Kurt Vonnegut

“. . . I understand that this is the point of laughter, to spread happiness.”

— Gayle Forman

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

— Suzy Kassem

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.

— Cecelia Ahern

My dad always said to me, 'You have got to work,' so I constantly worked and did comedy tours.

— Lee Evans

The ability to be funny in real life and be funny onstage or onscreen are two different things.

— Janelle James