I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway. — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
“Jeden ze zakladnich zakonu stesti: Vzdycky se mej na pozoru pred jakymkoliv uzitecnym zarizenim, ktere vazi min nez jeho manual.” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“Deep, hearty, clean and compassionate laughter is vitamin-tastic fuel for the soul.” — Ethel Russell-Ajisomo Copy Share Image
“Honey, he looks slippery as soap." And then adds, "A girl could lather up in soap like that.” — Becca Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
“Jesus shrugged. “Have you read the Torah? God doesn’t pick the best of the best. He picks the guys who need help.” — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low Copy Share Image
The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to… — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
“If you try to look up my skirt, I'll poke needles in your eyes right through your eyelids while you're asleep.' 'I'm… — Orson Scott Card Copy Share Image
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it ... what you wish in your secret heart… — Langston Hughes Copy Share Image
It wouldn't be nearly as much fun if everyone walked a mile in my shoes. There'd be like arms and legs, peckers… — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
“Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
If you have to do something, write me a funny AIDS play. Sure you can. It's the biggest joke played on us… — Robert Patrick Copy Share Image
“Through some happy accident of heredity he had escaped his father's tediousness, while retaining a little of his mother's jolly high spirits… — William Styron Copy Share Image
