I love comedy. If I could be a comedian - well, I probably would not take that job because it seems really… — Taylor Momsen Copy Share Image
“Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!” — Douglas Coupland Copy Share Image
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“Nothing creates a bond between people in Africa more quickly than shaed laughter".” — Ryszard Kapuściński Copy Share Image
When you lose your sense of humor, get a job running an elevator, because your life will be a series of Ups… — Napoleon Hill Copy Share Image
I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function. — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
“With the sleep deprived pounding behind Brent’s closed eyes, he made a decision. He wouldn’t quit, and he hadn’t been fired; however,… — Aleatha Romig Copy Share Image
Anyone who thinks they can write the perfect comedy that everyone will love is a fool. I can only write what I… — Brendan O'Carroll Copy Share Image
“...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?" "In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a… — George R.R. Martin Copy Share Image
In the comedy world, there's always been one woman to five men. I think that's changing, that we're being respected more as… — Annaleigh Ashford Copy Share Image
I'm always fighting with profanity and Christian comedy. I'm telling you, it's always a fight. Because my father said to me, he… — Kym Whitley Copy Share Image
“Judas: “Hey, nice uppercut, Prince of Peace. Whatever happened to your “turn the other cheek“ pablum? Jesus: It’s good in theory, but… — Rick Klaus Theis Copy Share Image
“I've decided that I'm going to collect as many spiders in a jar as I can and then pour them all over… — Sharon Biggs Waller Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the… — Helen Mirren Copy Share Image
“Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don't, no matter how funny they… — Roy Station Copy Share Image
“The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.” — G.K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
“I am a good housekeeper. You can eat off my kitchen floor. Just scoop all the crumbs together and you've got quite… — Janene Murphy Copy Share Image
“If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science” — Michelle M. Pillow Copy Share Image
“I'm some sort of guinea pig in a home economics crash course for werewolves.” — Kat Kruger Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
“Just as true humour is laughter at oneself, true humanity is knowledge of oneself.” — Alan Wilson Watts Copy Share Image
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Adding 'and shit' to the end of any sentence makes it sound cooler and shit… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Some of the people we feel sorry for feel sorry for us for thinking that they are the ones who should be… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
I love John Irving's stuff. It's that marriage of comedy and tragedy. It's really terrific. — Jeff Bridges Copy Share Image
“I hadn't known my dad could get so competitive over an auction. It was probably a good thing he hadn't yet discovered… — Piper Banks Copy Share Image
I've been producing for 13 years. I've made a string of joyful movies with positive messages about comedy, love and romance. — Drew Barrymore Copy Share Image
The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint. — W. Somerset Maugham Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change. — Sam Kinison Copy Share Image
To me, I've never understood why there is any question about are women as funny as men. — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
Maintaining a sense of humor is key to getting people to also focus on the crises at hand. — Hailey Gates Copy Share Image
“The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
“You used nunchucks on a moose?" Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
