Humor Quotes · Page 503

The days of discriminating against religious institutions simply because they are religious must come to an end.

— George W. Bush

Burning Ants. As a kid: oh, no! the city of Townsville is on Fire! Now: hey! where are you going!? COME AVENGE…

— Nutella Umbrella

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

— Steve Martin

“She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad…

— Patrick Major Dallas OR

One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.

— Bruce Lee

“For a second, I wanted very badly to know a spell that would let me melt through the floor in a quivering…

— Jim Butcher

When times are troubled, SMILE. When disaster threatens, LAUGH. When asked your age, LIE.

— Anonymous

“Do you answer a question directly?" "Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again”

— Leigh Bardugo

“...You agreed we would be fearless together. I’m gonna need you to keep your promise,” Haley said a little loudly. Falon’s office…

— Robin Alexander

No one set that I ever do is the same. I mean, if I go to a comedy club, and I perform…

— Tracy Morgan

“I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his . . . nothing. A vampire…

— Michelle Rowen

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.…

— Demetri Martin

There are people that say you should never use humor to talk about anything that's important or hard, and since I don't…

— Lizz Winstead

“His lectures were always well attended, and not just because he imparted so much wisdom and knowledge: he also managed to do…

— Jeffrey Archer

I always get a little bit pissed off when stand-up comedy is not recognised as being as good a craft as being…

— Jim Jefferies

“They must be looking everywhere for you," said Tawny, stretching out her wings to their full span - which was very far…

— Suzy Davies

“I really should be studying now, but you're much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.”

— Kara Martinelli

“I think you were going to stop the Black Plague armed with one guard, one mad scientist, a rubber man, and a…

— Caspar Vega

I warn people, your 40s will require massive amounts of humor and humility.

— Henry Rollins

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

— Anonymous

“His brother fell silent again, another oddity for Chad. Several seconds passed. “Bro, all of us are a little fucked up.” “No…

— J. Lynn

“People who come first in class never get good marks in the report card of Life. After all who asks you your…

— Laksh Kishore

Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.

— Jessica Simpson

“What happens when you pray for an angel and get a vampire instead? R E Mullins”

— R E Mullins

Women and Washing Machines are similar in a way, you have to use your hands in their absence.

— Anonymous

I have a great pic of my father and Rev. Graham laughing hysterically at some joke with George Pratt Shultz looking on…

— Ben Stein

A great deal of my comedy comes from the trials and tribulations of growing up a big kid in the Boston area.

— John Pinette

“I'll meet you outside," I said. No way was I actually doing to shout 'I have to pee' at the top of…

— Stella Lennon

I'll accept bad taste in a minute, as long as there's some great comedy minds and performances.

— Mel Brooks

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was handsome I would have exactly one dollar...Thanks mom!!!!

— Kevin McCarty

“[He] had insisted that inanimate objects couldn't have malignant motivations, but Emma had extensive proof to the contrary.”

— Lauren Willig

If you want to be an actor, you need to learn how to act first, even in sketch comedy.

— Nicole Sullivan

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong!

— Chad Michael Murray

“And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.”

— Khalil Gibran

“I should get points for not saying every dumb thing that pops in my head.”

— Susan Bischoff

I used to play Another One Bites The Dust after every conquest. But I'm old now so I'm changing it to Another…

— Rudy Espinoza

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

— Douglas Adams

There is almost no topic that can't benefit from being talked about in a humorous way.

— Rachel Parris

I got to the stage where I physically couldn't carry on unless I gave comedy a go: it was necessity.

— Greg Davies

“At St. Bernardine’s the nuns never liked me. Especially Sister Mary Bitch-and-a-Half. I think that was her biblical name.”

— Kathy Griffin