Humor Quotes · Page 476

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the…

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.”

— Graham Parke

“Hardship bred a bitter, quickfire humour and resilience to all but the most terminal of life's tragedies.”

— Ian Rankin

“Life's a shit sandwich, my ass. Life's a polka and don't you forget it!”

— Wally Lamb

And killing time is perhaps the essence of comedy, just as the essence of tragedy is killing eternity.

— Miguel de Unamuno

Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?

— Anonymous

“Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.”

— Dan Brown

“Pushed times make a monkey chew pepper.~ Creole proverb. (challenging times inspire unique actions)”

— Myra Jolivet

If we can't have comedy books written about aspects of womanhood without going into a panic attack about it, then we haven't…

— Helen Fielding

“On time for us was thirty minutes before actually started, because the half hour before the first bell was the highlight of…

— John Green

“A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably…

— Ryan Lilly

“I've learned to let my characters speak and act the way they want to! I've tried to interfere but they just get…

— Shandy L. Kurth

“Hey. Do you want a cracker?" a velvet voice asked me. I didn't look up, I wasn't sure if he was even…

— Felicia Tatum

“Cas' eyes met mine over the crossbow, a forest on fire under furrowed brows. "This is your fault." Well, thanks for the…

— Isabelle Crusoe

“I was jealous of [Nora] at first, because she had prettier dresses and the naturally curly hair that had been my ultimate…

— Lia Habel

“He lost the great big outward thing, the good- looking package, and the real parts endured. They shine through like crazy, the…

— Anne Lamott

As for my own truncated secondary education, my head was in the clouds as my mom would say, or if you asked…

— Michael J. Fox

“Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers.”

— Rudyard Kipling

“I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.”

— Ron White

“If I must consort with rogues [...] I own I like them to be in the grand manner.”

— Georgette Heyer

I spend about 75% of my time at the gym finding the right song for my workout.

— Anonymous

I have to be careful not to do so many comedy airhead roles from now on. I've turned down a couple already.

— Tamsin Egerton

I love Frances McDormand so much. I love her career. And I think it's fun because she gets to do comedy as…

— Rachael Harris

“Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.”

— Bauvard

“Kieran grinned. "You look good when you're angry. Now say the pitchfork line again with more oomph.”

— Jayde Scott

A girl has to have a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes and she should have a good sense of humor. She should be…

— Justin Bieber

“You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church?”

— Liliana Hart

“Maybe it’s our bodies’ way of telling us we were meant to be. Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.”

— Lauren Barnholdt

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs, but I would have made the iPhone chargers a few feet longer.

— Anonymous

“TimeTrap raised her head and looked pointedly at St. John. “It was a dimensional portal, silly. Duh.”

— J.T. Bock

“I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me." "Maybe she'll only partially welcome me." Smart-ass.”

— Kresley Cole

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and…

— Adam Carolla

Any film which views the darker side of life, which is death with a sense of humor, is very much to my…

— Carter Burwell

I think both comedy and dissent are liberating, for the listener as well!

— Varun Grover

“You kidding? So many preservatives in these things, I'll live forever.”

— Rick Riordan

“When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already…

— Shannon L. Alder

“It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye," Ferbus said too loudly. "Then it's one-eyed fun.”

— Gina Damico

Laughter is easier minute by minute, spilled with prodigality, tipped out at a cheerful word.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

When you have a writing partner and you're writing a comedy, your goal is to make each other laugh.

— Lauren Miller

“You’re … what was it Carmel said earlier?” She looks down, then back at me. “An ass.”

— Kendare Blake