“You can’t cry about everything in life, Princess. You’d get a nasty headache. Also, snot. Massive amounts of snot.” — Christie Valentine Powell Copy Share Image
“You can tell all that about me from your measuring tape?' 'Well, I use the metric system, It's the only way to… — Catherynne M. Valente Copy Share Image
“I'd been preparing myself to apologize. Forgive and forget, as Mom says. "Fuck you," I said.” — Tara Kelly Copy Share Image
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
A lot of my comedy is to do with being angry, then finding a way to channel that. — Julia Davis Copy Share Image
There are many things we can live without but a sense of humor is not one of them! — Judy Woodruff Copy Share Image
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. — Kevin Costner Copy Share Image
“Selling is a painful necessity, buying is what makes it all worthwhile.” — Steven E. Landsburg Copy Share Image
“And the list of traitors?" said Dylan, eying the scroll with an unsavory gleam in his eyes. What did he plan on… — Aimee Carter Copy Share Image
I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
“You can never know where I am or what I am, But I am good company to you nonetheless, And really do… — Henry N. Beard Copy Share Image
“What time should I come stalk you tomorrow?” “Six-thirty?” She says breathlessly. “Six-thirty sounds good.” Six-thirty is my new favorite time of… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
“To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I’ve never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
I was raised a musician and I played classic music, violin, in orchestras and music comedy theaters, I have music running around… — Larry Wall Copy Share Image
“Shoulda, woulda, coulda. They were the Three Stooges of regret. All they were good for was saying whoop-whoop-whoop and smacking each other… — Thea Harrison Copy Share Image
“After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I'm not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I'm always asked to be the one to first give up the tit.” — Karen E. Quinones Miller Copy Share Image
Sure, the comedians who swear or use scatological humor can get laughs, but they're uncomfortable laughs. — John Ratzenberger Copy Share Image
“I help others because I can, not because I expect something in return.” — Amy Manemann Copy Share Image
“How many of you knew what the Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle was? An idea in the book years ago, and now… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
“The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.” — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
“Cash or check, cash or check. Cash is better than check. Check, check, check, have a bowl of checkers, but keep a… — Mary E. Warner Copy Share Image
I was an incredible Anglophile. I found people who shared the same sense of humor and attitude toward the world. — Terry Gilliam Copy Share Image
Most of the humor comes from how outrageous the situations and circumstances are. — Mark Wahlberg Copy Share Image
“It is possible to compromise in certain areas when choosing a partner for life, but never on a cravat.” — Amanda Grange Copy Share Image
I love comedy and I did a few gigs here and there but it never really took off. It was too scary. — George Groves Copy Share Image
The people in New York - their humor is on a level that goes, uh, very deep, you know? — Elaine Stritch Copy Share Image
Our bodies are always exposed to Satan. The maladies I suffer are not natural, but Devil's spells. — Martin Luther Copy Share Image
If somebody is not on the same page with me humor wise, I can't give them that. — Stephan Pastis Copy Share Image
The best things in life must come by effort from within, not by gifts from the outside. — Fred Pierce Corson Copy Share Image
“Mother nature is a fickle and forgetful bitch," she snapped. "She needs a helping hand and I am trying to hurry her… — Sabrina Jeffries Copy Share Image
I love comedy. That's what I really look forward to doing. Enough of this heavy drama. — Mariette Hartley Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I prefer situational or character-based humor to gross-out gags and comedic set pieces. — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying. — Marilyn Vos Savant Copy Share Image
Older actresses apparently have no sense of humor about being older actresses. — Ti West Copy Share Image
“Excercise is nothing more than a depressing reminder that one is not a god.” — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
I don't laugh so much at jokes and premises as I do at a guy who goes onstage and starts twitching and… — Harland Williams Copy Share Image
When people call you photogenic, they're actually trying to tell you that you look uglier than your pics.. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
