Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you for making me beat your ass. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with… — Lia Habel Copy Share Image
Well I sure had been looking for a comedy for years without any success. — Val Kilmer Copy Share Image
“To succeed in life, you need three things: A Wishbone, A Back Bone, and a Funny Bone.” — Reba McEntire Copy Share Image
“Compromise is low class. I don't have anything against the poor, but being low class is the root of all evil” — Novala Takemoto Copy Share Image
“I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once.” — Maxine cartoon character Copy Share Image
The Muslims in the Cape are associated with having a very good sense of humor. — Riaad Moosa Copy Share Image
“I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?” — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
The main problem with films is that everybody always thinks of us as a violent people. We are not. We are spiritual.… — Michael Horse Copy Share Image
“One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of becoming your own father or mother. There is no… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
“What never failed to boggle Daisy was how Judy Garland had only just arrived in this glorious colorful place and she immediately… — Chuck Palahniuk Copy Share Image
“Davis spun back around, with a nod at Wilkins. “You know, I think Merriam-Webster here is right, Jack—you do have a glowering… — Julie James Copy Share Image
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“Virtuoso? Are you serious? What kind of code name is that? Who's assigning code names these days? They should be shot. How… — Elizabeth Bevarly Copy Share Image
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“He has got no good red blood in his body," said Sir James. "No. Somebody put a drop under a magnifying-glass, and… — George Eliot Copy Share Image
If your plan A doesnt work, dont sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The public knows me through my life, which is not comical. But I feel very at home in comedy. — Dana Reeve Copy Share Image
Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Whenever he was asked what somebody had died of he'd reply (with immense gravity), "Lack of breath.” — Aminatta Forna Copy Share Image
“Well, fella, as much as I’d like to stick something up your ass, it ain’t gonna be my finger or anything else… — A. Violet End Copy Share Image
“I like cars the way I like my men. I pick them up, grab the stick, and drive them hard down the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence… — John Irving Copy Share Image
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
“If life hands you lemons... make lemonade. Then... try to find someone to whom life has handed vodka...” — Les Edgerton Copy Share Image
“I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: "DAMN RIGHT we're airing a new 'Masterpiece Classic'! Fuck off, sports!” — Tara Ariano Copy Share Image
If you don't have humour, then you may as well nail the coffin lid down now. — Roger Moore Copy Share Image
“She wore a pendent - a glittering D - possibly her initial, or her grade average.” — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
“Whatever happened to “In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance.” So said Frederick the Great.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
“I DON’T have EX’s! I have Y’s. Like ‘Y the hell did I date you?!’ -Kevin Hart” — Kevin Hart Copy Share Image
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living — Helen Rowland Copy Share Image
My comedy is about nothing. I do it because I feel less inadequate on stage moving about than I do off stage… — Lee Evans Copy Share Image
If you want to laugh, see a comedy. If you want to cry, see a drama, and if you want suspense, see… — Charlie Murphy Copy Share Image
“Archer is it hot anymore," I'd fired back. "He tried to kill me, and his girlfriend is Satan.” — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
I had always wanted to do comedy, but didn't know where to start - all I knew was that Edinburgh was where… — Lolly Adefope Copy Share Image
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“We, humans, have come up with so many superficialities that are completely unnecessary for our existence and happiness on earth.” — Janvier Chouteu-Chando Copy Share Image
Well, first of all, I love Ilana Glazer. As a friend and as a comedian, I love her brand of humor. I… — Michelle Buteau Copy Share Image
“Human beings were invented by water as a device for transporting itself from one place to another.” — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
