You can't say happiness without saying Ha, penis. I JUST DIED! Why do I find stupid things like this so funny??Oh Tumblr.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The soy is seeping through the material like a BP oil slick in a Louisiana swamp.” — Poppet Copy Share Image
When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the studying part. — Asheya Copy Share Image
There was cake in the fridge and a note saying do not eat me! I ate the cake and left a new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I tell you, troubles are poor things to hug. They've got to many pickers.” — Eleanor H. Porter Copy Share Image
When I die, will someone please go to my funeral dressed like the Grim Reaper? You don't say anything, just stand there... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I sighed and deleted the message, imagining the dirty clothes multiplying like rabbits, because that’s what they do when I’m not around.” — Alex Owens Copy Share Image
That's always a funny thing, when people think they're known for every little thing they ever did, and they're really not. — Fred Willard Copy Share Image
But, through the shift of mood and mood, Mine ancient humor saves him whole The cynic devil in his blood That bids… — Rudyard Kipling Copy Share Image
I had the humble beginnings. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. That's generally how we speak to each other:… — John Oliver Copy Share Image
“Lauren realizes right then that the prospect of being single—of recent events leading to a divorce and her being a single mother… — Patrick Anderson Jr Copy Share Image
“Dirk was unused to making quite such a miniscule impact on anybody. He checked to be sure that he did have his… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
“Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
“Chapter One of My Life. I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am… — Portia Nelson Copy Share Image
“Buckets,' said Cimorene. 'Lots of buckets, and soap, and lemon juice. Where do you keep your buckets, Mendanbar?' 'Around somewhere,' Mendanbar said… — Patricia C. Wrede Copy Share Image
Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Give a man a fish he eats for a day. Teach him to fish he eats for a life time. Take him… — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
I dont want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean? — Martin Lawrence Copy Share Image
“In my opinion, neither way is easy. If I'm going to struggle between artist and a normal 9 to 5 job. I… — Erin McMillan Copy Share Image
Girls work on their looks but not on their minds because they know boys are stupid, not blind. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“My room is not a mess, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.” — Ender's Game Copy Share Image
“Hope is nice. Fucking useless in this situation, but still nice. You have one sentence before you start bleeding. Make it good.” — Lauren Stewart Copy Share Image
“To Beverly Reingold, again and always, and this time to Abby Sider, too” — Claudia Mills Copy Share Image
“Pushy bottom--that's a bit of a stereotype." "A Dom who isn't pushing--that's a bit of an oxymoron," Stunt challenged him.” — Lyn Gala Copy Share Image
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
What turned me on to comedy was - well, first of all, I like being able to laugh, I like people who… — Nathan Fillion Copy Share Image
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross Copy Share Image
Comedy always pushes some buttons, because it wouldn't be comedy if it didn't. — Beth Behrs Copy Share Image
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Don't waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him… — Syrie James Copy Share Image
Our sense of humor is a gift from God which should be controlled as well as cultivated. — J. Oswald Sanders Copy Share Image
Because I do mostly comedy, I'm usually working with friends, and it's usually a ball. — Michaela Watkins Copy Share Image
“Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...” — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
“Judge not, lest ye be punched in the face for being a self-righteous prick.” — Jim C. Hines Copy Share Image
“She wasn't actually chewing gum, but her demeanor was very much that of a gum chewer.” — Gail Honeyman Copy Share Image
“One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another's bones in one's vexation.” — Jack Vance Copy Share Image
