“Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.” — M.A. George Copy Share Image
R.I.P to my Ex...the funeral will be held at Never Again Baptist Church, located across from The Lies You Told Cemetery, on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I suggest you give up now. According to my research, in a vampire-werewolf love triangle, the vampire always gets the girl.” — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign. — Iimani David Copy Share Image
So you're a big fan of Marilyn Monroe and you know all her quotes? Cool, how many of her movies did you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Laughter is the only currency I've really ever known. Ever since I was a boy. — Bob Mortimer Copy Share Image
“I was trying to have an insight, and all I could think of was that I'd backed myself into a corner, and… — John Welter Copy Share Image
If you purposefully look to shock people, it isn't funny. That's what 50 million dollar Hollywood comedies do ; try to be… — John Waters Copy Share Image
I didn't believe in systems. Everything human was imperfect and ultimately absurd. What did I believe in then? In humor. In laughing… — Erica Jong Copy Share Image
“Essentially, the whole time I’d been here, the security staff hadn’t been paid. I would have been harassing the management too, though… — Lish McBride Copy Share Image
If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you… — Alan Thicke Copy Share Image
“After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier,… — Anna White Copy Share Image
What I find interesting is how close you can run the laughter along the seam of seriousness, and occasionally cross it, so… — Alan Ayckbourn Copy Share Image
We come before God to pray for the missing and the dead, and for those who loved them... Our purpose as a… — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
“Out of curiosity, when do I grow up and become a fullfledged man with a penis?” “When words like ‘hump day’ don’t… — Dani Alexander Copy Share Image
“There are other ways to get back at your phone you know, if it's being naughty, you could simply make it communicate… — Holly Denham Copy Share Image
“Mum,” said Christopher. “It’s a demon. I don’t think a poker will hurt it.” “It will where I’m going to put it,”… — John Connolly Copy Share Image
My comedy does not come from a place of deep cynicism, and I tend to play characters who are naive in some… — Anna Faris Copy Share Image
“He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, “And that was just my hand, love.” — Michelle M. Pillow Copy Share Image
Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius. — Thomas Carlyle Copy Share Image
“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you have an ancestor who is a Benedictine monk, we would rather not know it.” — Gregory Maguire Copy Share Image
Comedy is one of my favorites, but I also want to get into drama and sci-fi. — Marsai Martin Copy Share Image
“‘Yes, but humans are more important than animals,’ said Brutha. ‘This is a point of view often expressed by humans,’ said Om.” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“Student: why do dumb people ignore wise people. Teacher: Because, the dumb people believe they are the wise people.” — Jayce O'Neal Copy Share Image
Want to make a good first impression on a guy? Ask questions about him, seem interested, listen, giggle and swallow. — Family Guy Copy Share Image
Even when I go do comedy stuff live, I can still feel the drummer in me about to go onstage. — Fred Armisen Copy Share Image
“Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly, Laugh Insanely, Love Truly, And Live With Passion.” — Andy Vogt Copy Share Image
I want to take up anything that excites me. It can be a drama, action or a comedy. — Prateik Babbar Copy Share Image
“I want to employ tough people, people who know what they want and how to get it. Virgins must have a pretty… — Jonas Eriksson Copy Share Image
I hate when I'm wearing my Apple Bottom jeans and I can't find my boots with the furrrr. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Blew it up his nose. That woman should have cards printed: 'Dr. Evan Wilson, Imaginative Medicine a Specialty.” — Janet Kagan Copy Share Image
“Please take note that any and all dragon petting will be at your own peril. We are not liable for any injuries… — Love The Stacks Bookstore Copy Share Image
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink and wear as good as they used to be. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Writing is like making love, editing is like giving your great grandfather a sponge bath.” — Midnight Taylor Copy Share Image
I wasn't shy, but I was really hyper. Nobody got my sense of humor. I was a black skater kid. — Tyler, The Creator Copy Share Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
It's not that comedy has changed in terms of what's funny. For me, it's changed in that sometimes I don't feel my… — Bobby Lee Copy Share Image
