“It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense.” — Elle Todd Copy Share Image
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another's wit. — Christian Nestell Bovee Copy Share Image
We're a comedy site and have made fun of every single race, religion, creed and gender. We've made fun of it equally. — Dave Portnoy Copy Share Image
A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each… — Min Copy Share Image
A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me. — Chevy Chase Copy Share Image
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Nobody wants to be themselves. That's why there's TV. So you know what to want and who to be.” — Libba Bray Copy Share Image
“It is humor's job to laugh at the futility oft engendered by the improbable; but it is poetry's job to dream of… — D.E. Navarro Copy Share Image
The soul is not a physical entity, but instead refers to everything about us that is not physical - our values, memories,… — Harold S. Kushner Copy Share Image
“I suppose you had to," Wes said when Phin went back to join him at the table. "Pretty much. She seduced me."… — Jennifer Crusie Copy Share Image
As far as the sexy quotient goes, I think it's not just the physical attributes or money, but talent, a great personality… — Shibani Dandekar Copy Share Image
I got into musical comedy because of Shakespeare, not because of singing. They needed someone to understudy Richard Burton. I was also… — John Cullum Copy Share Image
I believe my friends think I'm funny. All the books are full of humor. Maybe it is a quiet sort of humor… — Jesse Ball Copy Share Image
“Archbishop James Usher (1580-1656) published Annales Veteris et Novi Testaments in 1654, which suggested that the Heaven and the Earth were created… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
To me, Fight Club was a comedy. When [David] Fincher sent me the book and I read it, the first thing I… — Edward Norton Copy Share Image
“Live by the three 'F' rule: If they don't fuck you, feed you or finance you, they don't matter. - Maya Josephs,… — Celia Kyle Copy Share Image
“The cybernetic operation?" "No, the sex change." The doctor's smile faltered. "I'm joking.” — Marissa Meyer Copy Share Image
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
“I don't do relationships because I don't want to love and lose myself.” — J.C. Reed Copy Share Image
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.” — Patton Oswalt Copy Share Image
“Planning to be a seducer was difficult enough. Talking about it with the seducee would be impossible.” — Lori Foster Copy Share Image
“We pass Tinsley's Fried Chicken with the big sign that reads, TRY OUR BIG, JUICY BREASTS.” — Donna Cooner Copy Share Image
“Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness.” — JP Galuska Copy Share Image
“He tossed the deck to David. 'You get first deal.' 'I've got one hand.' 'Right, then. Deal those cards, Max, and let's… — Henry H. Neff Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Welcome to Shelter Bay,' he said to Stig. 'Is that what it's called?' Hal gave him a tired grin. 'It is now'.” — John Flanagan Copy Share Image
“It will never be all that I want it to be… But it is always twice what I expected.” — James Qualls Copy Share Image
“It's fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who's hearing Cinderella for the first time.” — Edna Ferber Copy Share Image
“What's on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Also, she wasn't a fan of being scared, and it had to be petrifying to love someone more than yourself.” — Courtney Maum Copy Share Image
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Nobody with any real sense of humor *can* write a love story. . . . Shakespeare is the exception that proves the rule. (90-91) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Am I bothered? Am I bothered though. I ain't doing nothing cause I ain't bothered.” — Catherine Tate Copy Share Image
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
![“To me, Fight Club was a comedy. When [David] Fincher sent me the book and I read it, the first thing I asked him was, "This is a comedy, right?" he said, "Yeah, that's the whole point," and I said, "Okay, I'm in." I certainly wasn't imagining myself as a dramatic actor when I was running around in…” quote by Edward Norton](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ec/edward-norton-2203_actors_to-me-fight-club-was-a-comedy-when-david_2837192.jpg)
