Humor Quotes · Page 324

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on…

— Chris Rock

Men are like puppies, adorable, then you take them home and they crap over everything you ever treasured.

— Anonymous

“I keep my feet candy-coated because I never know when one or both of them will wind up in my mouth.”

— Linda Yezak

Next up [new TV stars] was [Dean] Martin and [Jerry] Lewis on 'The Colgate Comedy Hour.'

— Norman Lear

“I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac”

— Josh Stern

“Wait, you are not even surprised that your own uncle, framed you, for an assassination?” “No, I’m surprisingly not surprised.".”

— Rea Lidde

I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one.

— Sandra Bernhard

When life gives you lemons, go find a kid with a paper cut and make his life miserable.

— Anonymous

I grew up loving David Letterman and Pee-wee Herman, but as far as live performance comedy, all I knew were the Jerry…

— Scott Aukerman

“Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind…

— Peggy Kopman-Owens

“As Sean seem determined to shadow her every move, she concluded that young boys were much like cats. They insisted on giving…

— J.D. Robb

“Life makes fools of us all sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to…

— Paul Murray

“I think crush is the perfect word to describe it, too, because it simultaneously means 'to have a brief infatuation with someone…

— Elna Baker

“You know, I've never asked why it doesn't offend your feminist principles for me to carry this beast for you." I look…

— Justin Gustainis

“It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so…

— Kathy Griffin

To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are…

— Mike Birbiglia

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also…

— Zach Galifianakis

“The river that never run Dry, always have a generous amend to flourish”

— Bobby Vj

I've had a very positive experience in L.A. in the comedy world and found everyone to be very nice and welcoming. It's…

— Gillian Jacobs

Dramas need to have a certain aesthetic that comedy just doesn't really seem to need to have.

— Rob McElhenney

“It must be horny douchebag day,” she mumbled under her breath as she slid the bag’s strap up on her shoulder.”

— Dennis Sharpe

“You know what love means? It means loving the person you are now and not the person you want someone to be…

— Samantha Stroh Bailey

“Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Good-looking people marry good-looking people and the others take what's left.”

— Alan Bennett

“Asininity was puddling all around me in quantities too vast to soak up. - It Looked Different on the Model”

— Laurie Notaro

After graduation, I was floundering in L.A., doing stand-up comedy and working in a shoe store in the Valley.

— Kevin Spacey

There's something about political comedy that sometimes closes people off, and my general goal is to open people right up.

— Negin Farsad

“I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it.”

— Mike Birbiglia

Three reasons you should stand up: to stretch, you need to go somewhere, or you are the real slim shady.

— Anonymous

Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy butt get up is when your laptop says 10% Battery Remaining.

— Anonymous

You see, I get so much fun out of thinking that I don’t want to destroy this pleasant machine that makes life…

— Richard P. Feynman

I can't think of another place other than TV where a five-person sketch comedy group could make a living.

— Adam Conover

“I want people to be allowed to make jokes about, and discuss, anything they want. I don’t think people should be ostracized…

— Milo Yiannopoulos

I think if you turn down the volume on the good comedy, you should not even know if it's a comedy or…

— Peter Billingsley

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

— George Mikes

“I guess like most natural health and nutrition researchers, my background comes from a professional career in stand-up comedy.”

— T.C. Hale

“On Twitter at last, and can't think of a thing to say. Some writer I turned out to be.”

— Stephen King

I remember seeing 'Spinal Tap' at a young age and being like, 'That's how you perform comedy.'

— Bill Hader

“Trust me,’ he says with a touch of impatience. ‘Stop asking me to do that,’ I say, equally as impatiently.”

— Sarah Alderson

“Chris says his father was born on the corner of straight and narrow...”

— John Marsden

I've got a lot of laughter lines. You don't get laughter lines on your face without having a lot of fun in…

— Deborah Meaden