Humor Quotes · Page 315

Mentally I am ready for Christmas. Financially I am not ready for Christmas.

— Anonymous

Comedy is able to point out things in ways that more serious people cannot.

— Randy Rainbow

“I couldn’t stop staring. “Sweetheart,” he said, “is my slip showing or something?”

— Shelly Reuben

“Bein’ a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.”

— Terry Pratchett

I don't mind going from sadness to comedy in a split-second or mixing the two up.

— Taika Waititi

“you should learn that life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.”

— Brad Meltzer

I've used my sense of humor as a coping tool. It's gotten me through a lot of challenging times.

— Adam Rippon

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

— P. J. O'Rourke

But the saints are never the kind of killjoy spinster aunts who go in for faultfinding and lack all sense of humor.…

— Hans Urs von Balthasar

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid…

— Bill Bailey

I find as a viewer, when I go to see comedies, the strain to be funny throughout the whole thing. I start…

— Mike White

“There was a movement to my right, and I snuck a quick glance to see Zee and Gabriel coming out the garage…

— Patricia Briggs

“Stephanie took another puff from her candy cigarette, reached into her purse, brought out the rest of the pack, and said, "Want…

— K. Martin Beckner

“Once I was running and there was someone on the treadmill next to me who stopped running to answer a question I…

— Sakyong Mipham

“Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about…

— Bridget Zinn

“Akmon pulled a ratchet wrench from the tool belt and spun it like a noisemaker. “Oh, very nice! I’m definitely keeping this!…

— Rick Riordan

I've always had the laugh. It just happens. It used to embarrass my parents.

— Conchata Ferrell

'Downton' is one of the best jobs in the world, and I'm looking forward to the next series for Maggie Smith's wicked…

— Samantha Bond

“Jeden ze zakladnich zakonu stesti: Vzdycky se mej na pozoru pred jakymkoliv uzitecnym zarizenim, ktere vazi min nez jeho manual.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Deep, hearty, clean and compassionate laughter is vitamin-tastic fuel for the soul.”

— Ethel Russell-Ajisomo

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

— Steven Wright

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his…

— Marc Maron

I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway.

— Tim Heidecker

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

— Tommy Cooper

I think I have a good sense of humor, but I don't consider myself funny.

— Da'Vine Joy Randolph

My father had a good sense of humour about a lot of things, including life, which I think I inherited.

— Brian Dennehy

Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up!

— Anonymous

“Bridget - I like my tea like I like my men. Strong, sweet and dark. Joan - I like my tea like…

— Bridget Golightly

Big comedy is good, I like things that are big, but good comedy has to be truthful I think and has to…

— Steve Coogan

“My helicopter conversion was eye-opening, a case of learning '101 ways to kill yourself without trying'.”

— Richard de Crespigny

Something about Floridians, man - they are good to me. I'm glad my comedy translates to them.

— Jo Koy

“Honey, he looks slippery as soap." And then adds, "A girl could lather up in soap like that.”

— Becca Fitzpatrick

“Jesus shrugged. “Have you read the Torah? God doesn’t pick the best of the best. He picks the guys who need help.”

— Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to…

— Jerry Coleman

I've always said that I myself am not the best audience for my own work, because I'm just not that receptive to…

— Todd Solondz

In comedy timing is everything, but Betty White is the rarest of comics who seems to have mastered time itself.

— Brian Williams

I saw something even more beautiful than a sense of humor: an appreciation for life’s essential absurdity.

— Stephen King

I'd like to do something dramatic or a different kind of role, but I tend not to separate comedy and drama all…

— Paul Rudd

“We thought the fireworks were marvelous,” said Mort. “And I expect they'll soon be able to rebuild the outer wall.”

— Terry Pratchett

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want…

— George Burns