“New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each… — Min Copy Share Image
A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me. — Chevy Chase Copy Share Image
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another's wit. — Christian Nestell Bovee Copy Share Image
We're a comedy site and have made fun of every single race, religion, creed and gender. We've made fun of it equally. — Dave Portnoy Copy Share Image
“Live by the three 'F' rule: If they don't fuck you, feed you or finance you, they don't matter. - Maya Josephs,… — Celia Kyle Copy Share Image
“The cybernetic operation?" "No, the sex change." The doctor's smile faltered. "I'm joking.” — Marissa Meyer Copy Share Image
Conversation never sits easier upon us than when we now and then discharge ourselves in a symphony of laughter, which may not… — Richard Steele Copy Share Image
“Craig: 'When I used to drink, I binge drank…and I’m kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I decided I would go to NYU so I could get into the comedy world and have legit housing, and my parents… — Ilana Glazer Copy Share Image
“Finally, I found what seemed at the time to be a lid of some sort. Presuming it was a toilet seat (but… — Dave Mustaine Copy Share Image
“I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me… — Laurell K. Hamilton Copy Share Image
“The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can't… — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
“This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
My comedy has no color, it's for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It's not a pro-black show, not a def jam show;… — Bruce Bruce Copy Share Image
“Nobody wants to be themselves. That's why there's TV. So you know what to want and who to be.” — Libba Bray Copy Share Image
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
“I don't do relationships because I don't want to love and lose myself.” — J.C. Reed Copy Share Image
“By the way, don’t you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus’ butt and plugging it in is just a little… — Dana Marie Bell Copy Share Image
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I want to be a three-dimensional actor, excelling in comedy, negative roles and even serious roles. — Rajpal Yadav Copy Share Image
“And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect.” — Vladimir Nabokov Copy Share Image
In everyday life, I use positive thoughts, sense of humor, Taekwondo, running, and yoga to make me stronger. — Pom Klementieff Copy Share Image
“I usually avoided any form of getting ready on Saturdays-the process just took away from the magic of being lazy.” — Shannen Crane Camp Copy Share Image
“There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them." Robert… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
“Each morning they came around, three brisk and serious men with efficient mouths and inefficient eyes...” — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
Craig Sager's amazing attitude was truly inspirational. He was a champion during his battle, fighting every day with grace and humor. — Monty Williams Copy Share Image
The naive was only a part of my fairy tales; humor was the real salt in them. — Hans Christian Andersen Copy Share Image
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I am in a ridiculous humour,' quoth Eugene; 'I am a ridiculous fellow. Everything is ridiculous. Come along!” — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense.” — Elle Todd Copy Share Image
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
“Graham is late for school because I had him stay up late to watch Citizen Kane.” — Elwy Yost Copy Share Image
That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny. — Gloria Vanderbilt Copy Share Image
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't really feel like I'm doing comedy, per say. I play off of guys a certain way but I don't really… — Christopher Daniels Copy Share Image
There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up. — Kristen Chandler Copy Share Image
“That is disappointing.” “That the governor of Brasov betrayed us?” Bogdan asked. “No, that the quality of assassins has fallen this low.” — Kiersten White Copy Share Image
