Humor Quotes · Page 310

“Privilege: the belief that because a dog has been carefully trained not to bite YOUR ass, that is has no teeth.”

— Arinn Dembo

“Happiness is a tricky business. It may not have as much to do with doing as it has to do with not…

— Art Hochberg

“The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.”

— Criss Jami

“Baby girl, five minutes alone with me and you're gonna be begging me to taste your pie.”

— Carmen Jenner

Being funny was something I was doing before I understood what that even was. Now I'm making a career out of it.

— Kayvan Novak

“Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

— Natasha Leggero

People just associate me with comedy - not that I mind. I don't mind that at all.

— Scott Adsit

“Choose and create a circle of proper advisors around you. Do not discuss your project with your relatives, neighbor, grandmother, friends’ friends,…

— Dmytro Zaporozhtsev

“Deep spirit scanning,” Eisfanger says. His voice has a strange resonance to it, like I’m hearing him through a bad phone connection.…

— D.D. Barant

I would love to do a comedy, but comedy probably in the sense of a dark comedy like 'Californication,' that sort of…

— Jason Wiles

“After consciously enduring a twelve-inch knitting needle navigated into the unseen recesses of my pelvis and almost passing out at the sensation…

— Daniel Stern

It is true that I got recognition. But however good the comedies are, nobody will accept a good comedy director as a…

— Priyadarshan

“There were always blind, deaf, or handicapped people hanging around the brothers, and I figured it was evidence that they either had…

— Mick Mars

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make…

— Oscar Wilde

With a comedy, it's so important to see it with an audience and an audience who really wants to be there and…

— Rose Byrne

“Why save the planet in a politically correct hybrid if you can rule the road in a Chelsea tractor?”

— Aga Lesiewicz

I don't think you're dying," I said. "I think you've just got a touch of cancer. He smiled. Gallows humor.

— John Green

I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get…

— Dolly Parton

“If you continually show mercy to a recurrent provoker; your mercy will continue to less and less till you become merciless.”

— Vincent Okay Nwachukwu

“As soon as I hear the words 'your room' my mind leans over and whisper-hisses, “This boy has lost his mind. We…

— Belle Aurora

“Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.”

— Michael Bassey Johnson

I was this extremely dramatic actress. And then, suddenly, I was doing comedy.

— Carol Kane

To people who don't get what we do, I say I create entertainment and comedy videos on YouTube - and they usually…

— Joe Sugg

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

— Oscar Wilde

“Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y'see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean…”

— Brian Jacques

Elvis was a symbol of the country's vitality, rebelliousness, and good humor.

— Jimmy Carter

My granddad doesn't care if he falls down when he's singing, he's just having a laugh.

— Jay Sean

Thanks to people like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin, it's real freedom to do stand-up comedy.

— Simon Amstell

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

— John Mortimer

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

— Adam Ferrara

Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

— Mark Twain

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

— Kristen Schaal

I'd love to be able to do a comedy like 'Dr. Strangelove.' I'm not a very serious person. Really, I'm very silly.

— Denis Villeneuve

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

— Sarah Silverman

“Ah, James, our James," she says, sounding wistful. "Can't live with him, can't kill him slowly enough." - Callie (pg. 141)”

— Cody McFadyen

“Why go for something cold and dead, when you can have something hot and panting?”

— K.R. Smith

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

— Steve Martin

There is so much competition and content floating around right now, so comedy has to have a lot quirk and heart.

— Varun Sharma

“I'm not sure I've turned your Commander inside out, but I can assure you if that iron skillet was empty, I would…

— Julia Mills