I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I think a lot of comedy is about making fun of people at the expense of somebody. — Phil Dunster Copy Share Image
I can't live without a sense of humor. I need to be laughing and entertained at all times. — Carlos Ponce Copy Share Image
With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres! — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is… — Jennifer Lopez Copy Share Image
I think stand is better now than it's ever been. I think it's the greatest time ever to do standup comedy. — Joe Rogan Copy Share Image
“Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father,… — Tim Hawkins Copy Share Image
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them… — Christopher Paolini Copy Share Image
“She even tried the one which every romantic nerve in her body insisted should work, which consisted of theatrically giving up, sitting… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
In terms of whether I use humor to allow me or my readers to come up for air, I don't think I… — Daniel Olivas Copy Share Image
My mother was Irish; she had this great sense of humor, and both my parents loved films. There was a very vibrant… — Martin Donovan Copy Share Image
All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every… — Ricky Van Veen Copy Share Image
“In the legal respect, after the execution of the supposed incendiaries, the other half of Moscow burned down.” — Leo Tolstoy Copy Share Image
“Revenge is a dish best served cold but Mama prefers to serve it with hot gravy, potatoes, and roast turkey.” — Jonathan Dunne Copy Share Image
I try and make myself or consenting people I am very close to the victims of my comedy. I don't enjoy bullying… — Greg Davies Copy Share Image
“My elderly mother's favorite drink is "Johnnie." She's already got a walker.” — Dan Adams Copy Share Image
“Listen, you’re not doing God any favors by praying. You’re doing yourself a favor.” — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
Whatever I do, when I'm working, I'm very serious. But after, I will play, I am funny. — Sammo Hung Copy Share Image
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was one of the people that always got chosen last, and I think I bulked up my comedy bone to make… — Michelle Visage Copy Share Image
“I believe I'm done for," said Tom. "The cussed sneaking dog, to leave me to die alone! My poor old mother always… — Harriet Beecher Stowe Copy Share Image
“laughter is cathartic and cleansing, that it's good for the body and the soul, and when it's real it's better than sex.” — Patricia Gaffney Copy Share Image
The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
A comedian is not a person who opens a funny door - he's the person who opens a door funny. — Chuck Jones Copy Share Image
“In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.” — John Biggins Copy Share Image
“If you would not be forgotten As soon as you are dead and rotten, Either write things worth reading, Or do things… — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
“Keeping that man out of trouble was like trying to return a whore to chastity.” — Lydia Dare Copy Share Image
Suffer love! A good ephitet! I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will. — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
“Listen, do yourself a favor. If you ask someone about something such as, “How are the kids,” make sure you really want… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
Putting any situation through our comedy lens always goes on in our heads. — Sal Vulcano Copy Share Image
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
A fit of laughter, which has been indulged to excess, almost always produces a violent reaction. — Plato Copy Share Image
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. — Stephen King Copy Share Image
A comedian needs more than just a sense of humour. He needs to observe everything around him. — Vivek Copy Share Image
I don't take Twitter that serious. It's all in good humor. I've made fun of people on Twitter and it's whatever. — Fabolous Copy Share Image
“I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please . . . no comments on my author face!” — C.C. Alma Copy Share Image
