Humor Quotes · Page 207

“I've been known to dual wield a time or two.”

— K.S. Daniels

Weak men are easily put out of humor. Oil freezes quicker than water.

— Berthold Auerbach

“I’ve got major skills and can definitely hold my own.”

— Robin Bielman

On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick."

— Tom Waits

It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.

— George W. Bush

I am a zizzer zazzer zuzz as you can plainly see.

— Dr Seuss

There's a thin, blurry line between humor and tragedy.

— Christopher Paul Curtis

“Like so many writers - I need to keep my butt in the chair.”

— Tina Gayle

You can't get all of your news from Jon Stewart, especially since it's a comedy show.

— Joe Klein

“Don't take candy from strangers. The people you know are strange enough.”

— Kim Faulkner

“Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?”

— Heidi McLaughlin

“Some people say, "I only want to do God's work." How do you know what God's work is??”

— Art Hochberg

We call ourselves comedy writer-performers, and that encompasses everything, and I certainly have a very open mind about it.

— Robert Webb

“Decker smiled and shrugged off their laughter. The humour was only barbed if you sat on the outside, and now he was…

— R.D. Ronald

My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you.

— Michael Caine

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four..

— Mark Twain

“The Count was Prince Humperdink's only confidant. His last name was Rugen, but no one needed to use it - he was…

— William Goldman

“The sad thing is that sometimes I just wanna roll over and give her a little cuddle, but the bolster pillow she…

— Poppet

All sincere boys fall in love with stupid girls, all sincere girls fall in love with stupid boys, I am neither stupid…

— Abhishek Tiwari

“Ah, the trainer with the hands," one of them said. She was very pretty, thick dark hair and even darker eyes. She…

— Toni Aleo

There is also this benefit in brag, that the speaker is unconsciously expressing his own ideal. Humor him by all means, draw…

— Miguel de Cervantes

“Willy, one of the guys at the distillery, comes up with what Oliver and I agree is the best definition of what…

— Iain Banks

I think a lot of the instincts you have doing comedy are really the same for doing drama, in that it's essentially…

— Will Ferrell

“When it was her turn to say good-bye, Aryal said, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Niniane opened and closed her mouth.…

— Thea Harrison

“Stay safe. Stay alive. Stay unreanimated.”

— Dale Seslick

“You read a book all the way through? Why?”

— Bart Simpson

“Camp-keeping in the Delta was not all beer and skittles.”

— Aldo Leopold

'Sightseers' started off as a character comedy double act.

— Alice Lowe

I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes.

— Sarah Hyland

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than dinner for two.

— Michael Lazarus

I got locked into a tradition [at Cambridge] of doing comedy.

— Eric Idle

I consider myself an actor who is funny.

— Sean Hayes

The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.

— Jerry Coleman

If you want to see ulgly look in the mirrior

— Anonymous

Think about scary movies: There's a fine line between horror and humor.

— Roy Blount, Jr

I like to accomplish things before the microwave beeps.

— Brandi Isaacs

My life is a joke with pain. My pain seems to be peoples' humor.

— Anonymous

“Once you individuate from the Guru, you’re on your own Guru journey.”

— Art Hochberg

Not enough comedy makes you feel something.

— Bo Burnham

At school, I risk my phone's life to text you.

— Anonymous