Hair Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I wear a mustache, both as a disguise—and as a cooter tickler.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A mustache on a stick would not only be tastier than a popsicle, but ticklier too.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My fake mullet wig turns women on. Probably.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow…

— Jarod Kintz

“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I cut my face shaving, and all those little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my chin actually looked great with my…

— Jarod Kintz

“My hair is turning the color of my answer. Maybe I should say yes to keep my hair from turning gray.”

— Jarod Kintz

Im not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, Im dying my hair tonight.

— Jarod Kintz

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards…

— Jarod Kintz

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of…

— Jarod Kintz

“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One…

— Jarod Kintz

“The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out…

— Jarod Kintz

“Ask my mustache anything you want, and my mouth will answer for it. And after the question and answer session, my right…

— Jarod Kintz

“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m growing out my baldness, and a mustache. Combined with spectacles (glasses), I’ll be a spectacle. I’ll proudly wear my absurdity like…

— Jarod Kintz

“I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My facial hair is imperative. I put the must in mustache.”

— Jarod Kintz

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ve got my hair conditioned. It’s not trained, but it is soft.”

— Jarod Kintz

“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I just bought an extra large mustache, to wear as a toupee.”

— Jarod Kintz

“People call me “Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink…

— Jarod Kintz

I cut my hair so it looks like I just woke up all the time, so that I can be like, what…

— Jarod Kintz

“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d…

— Jarod Kintz

“The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.”

— Jarod Kintz

“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love…

— Jarod Kintz

“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”

— Jarod Kintz

“When I couldn’t grow a full beard I took it as a sign from God to grow a mustache instead.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”

— Jarod Kintz