Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie. — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I have never wanted to punch a highway in the face as badly as I do right now.” — Seanan McGuire Copy Share Image
I guess you were just one of those people that walked into my life, taught me a lesson, and then walked away — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have issues with food and weight and I can make that funny. The audience loves it. I have fun with it. — John Pinette Copy Share Image
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was… — Charles Woodson Copy Share Image
“That's us," I said smiling brightly. "The Udells." That seemed to wake Roger up a little, and he blinked at me, surprised.… — Morgan Matson Copy Share Image
“Has something happened to upset you today?” “Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it… — Gillibran Brown Copy Share Image
“She stared down into her coffee, as if she had more to say, but the words had fallen into the mug and… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
To me, the best comedians are the ones that take everyday, normal, boring stuff that no one thinks is funny, and they… — Blake Griffin Copy Share Image
You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Conversation between me and my enemy…'DUDE I SAW U ON TV!!'...'REALLY MAN?! WHERE!!'…'ANIMAL PLANET'. :) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears. — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgement. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
“Once I started I couldn’t put it down. It was so addictive . . . like a train wreck.” — Katie Klein Copy Share Image
We realized that no one of us could be as good as all of us playing unselfishly. — Bill Bradley Copy Share Image
Humor is essential to survival. Funny poems are vastly underrated. Very underwritten. — Rachel Zucker Copy Share Image
Beauty can come from the strangest of places, even the most disgusting of places, — Alexander McQueen Copy Share Image
The thing that's wrong with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. — Johnny Vegas Copy Share Image
Don't do drugs kids. There's a time and place for everything. It's called college. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.” — Jennifer Ziegler Copy Share Image
I wrote a pilot for myself. It's about a Latina actress trying to make it in Hollywood. It's pretty funny. — Melonie Diaz Copy Share Image
There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. — Robert Smith Surtees Copy Share Image
The rottenness of the matter which is the foundation of everything! — Marcus Aurelius Copy Share Image
It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's… — Grimes Copy Share Image
