Pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once! ~ suicide bomber teacher. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Barking dogs seldom bite, but beware of those dogs that know this proverb. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing. — Alex Ferguson Copy Share Image
There's been thousands of very, very funny and also very, very nasty tweets about me. — James Charles Copy Share Image
What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down. — Scott Roeben Copy Share Image
My heart is like a cabbage divided into two. I gave the leaves to others and my heart to you — Anonymous Copy Share Image
*Playing bingo* Me: Yes! I only need one more! Someone: BINGO! Me: NOOOO! F*CK YOU! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Bugger off kitty!" - Ryou "But before we begin this duel to the death, I have just one question. Could I get… — Little Kuriboh Ryou and Melvin Copy Share Image
“You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you?" I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods. He leaned back… — Alyxandra Harvey Copy Share Image
Humor strips dominated what were called the funny papers early in the century, but by the 1920s and '30s, adventure strips had… — Mort Walker Copy Share Image
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same… — J. B. Smoove Copy Share Image
It's funny to see how people react to the project, to read their thoughts, and I wonder aloud, 'Did they even watch… — Craig Robinson Copy Share Image
You know that you know the true meaning of sacrificial brotherly love when you let someone else be your favorite character in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don’t think men have time to be funny because they have to make all of our rules about what we can… — Jenny Slate Copy Share Image
