Funny Quotes · Page 281

I'm no buddhist, but this is fu**ing enlightmentment

— Bjork

Better a bald head than none at all.

— Austin O'Malley

We become in part what our senses take in.

— Eknath Easwaran

Success comes in cans. Failures comes in can'ts.

— Michael Josephson

I'm always going to have a story to tell.

— Syleena Johnson

Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.

— Murray Walker

Success is never accidental.

— Jack Dorsey

The only thing I smoke is my competition

— Sophia Amoruso

Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.

— Jerry Coleman

“Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.”

— Carroll Bryant

I want one thing I can point to and say, 'that is good, and it's a part of me.'

— Kim Harrison

Dear Spongebob, it's been more than 10 years, you're not getting your license

— Anonymous

I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

— Barry Humphries

Americans have no past, so they buy the pasts of others.

— Jean-Luc Godard

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

— Jim Gaffigan

Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.

— Ralph Bakshi

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

— George Carlin

“If you tell anyone what I just told you, I’ll call the Mob. I know some of them, you know.” “Bullshit.” I…

— Jamie McGuire

You can't fake comedy. You can't make it look beautiful or put an interesting bit of music on in the background: funny…

— Aisling Bea

Two whales walked into a bar. One said, Weeeeeeeee-ooooooooo-uuuuuuuuuu-hhhh. The other whale said, Shut up, Steve. You're drunk!

— Green Monk

I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.

— Anonymous

“That’s probably the most sincere thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.” Logan lowered his eyes to Tate’s hand.…

— Ella Frank

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have…

— David Cross

“Pritkin, it’s a hotel room, not a death trap!” A glance over his shoulder showed him impatient blue eyes under a fall…

— Karen Chance

I didn't follow any rules at all. I made my own.

— Tony Iommi

The most-praised generation goes to work

— Jeffrey Zaslow

I have a great love of the actual.

— Manny Farber

So free we seem, so fettered we are!

— Robert Browning

The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here.

— John Madden

Bibles laid open, millions of surprises.

— George Herbert

Never say 'I could have done that,' because you didn't.

— Karim Rashid

Begin to see yourself in all other beings.

— Deepak Chopra

It would be better for me to die than to live.

— Jonah

All things are complete within ourselves.

— Mencius

You have to be lonely to be a writer

— Edna O'Brien

You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake

— Dorianne Laux

Remember you belong to nature, not it to you.

— Grey Owl

A good general chooses his battlefield.

— Tony Slydini

Presume not that I am the thing I was.

— William Shakespeare

An emaciated gospel leads to emaciated worship

— Greg Gilbert