Funny Quotes · Page 275

He doth nothing but talk of his horses.

— William Shakespeare

Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China.

— Anonymous

You know, funny can be universal.

— Maz Jobrani

Alas! the slippery nature of tender youth.

— Claudius Claudianus

You have to learn to recognize your own depth.

— Joseph Campbell

Not believing in something doesn't make it not exist.

— Marshall Sylver

The body isn't there simply to carry the head.

— Candace Pert

To know and not to act is not to know.

— Wang Yangming

All mankind rules its women, and we rule all mankind, but our women rule us.

— Cato the Elder

There is a time to deliberate... and a time to act. Learn to recognize which is which, and act accordingly.

— Douglas Merrill

Please find yourself somewhere else (in translation: get lost)

— Nishan Panwar

There should be an 'I Don't Know' option on a test so I can be correct more frequently.

— Anonymous

“I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.”

— Meghan Ciana Doidge

Cats love one so much - more than they will allow. But they have so much wisdom they keep it to themselves.

— Mary Eleanor Wilkins Freeman

LOVE, TRUE, marrying a girl, even though she hasn't a steady job

— Nikhil Saluja

There’s nothing that you can sell me that can make me happy.

— Jon Foreman

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money…

— Daniel Tosh

At school: Man I am so tired. Like seriously, as soon as I get home I am going to sleep. *Gets home*…

— Anonymous

After more than half a century (Sleeping Beauty), Disney finally know what the meaning of true love (Maleficent).

— Alvin

It is funny how it is almost more painful to fall over and scrape your knee than to be blown up. Your…

— Giles Duley

They [dogs] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being…

— Jerome K. Jerome

*A nerdy guys phone goes off* Jock: Who was that, your girlfriend? *Everyone laughs* Nerd: Nope. It was yours. *Dead silence*

— Anonymous

It is funny that people always assume you have a bigger part in a movie than you actually do. I remember a…

— Bill Hader

When you feel that nobody loves you, that nobody cares, when all you can do is cry and walk away because everyone…

— Anonymous

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

— Denis Leary

Why...do you find this...distracting?

— Suzanne Collins

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

— Jimmy Kimmel

You can't keep everyone alive.

— Barry O'Sullivan

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

— Dave Barry

Faith comes out of the heart not the head.

— Adrian Rogers

In comparison, there's no comparison.

— Ron Greenwood

I'm German but I didn't say that. I have no moustache

— Sebastian Vettel

The heart is the best logician.

— Wendell Phillips

Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes

— Hussein Nishah

If not you, who? If not now, when?

— Hillel the Elder

Learn the lick, but learn FROM the lick.

— Scott Henderson

T.V is chewing gum for the eyes

— Anonymous

Smile and others will smile back.

— Jean Baudrillard

The most important thing in life..

— David Copperfield

You don't have to have one emotion at a time.

— Will Schwalbe