Funny Quotes · Page 143

Flattery will get you everywhere.

— Mae West

I liked the Beatles because there was so much melody.

— Robert Cray

When you are falling --- Dive!

— Joseph Campbell

If I defer the grief I will diminish the gift.

— Eavan Boland

I can't jump high, so I jump from high places.

— Mick Foley

I think the wrong things are kept private

— Nan Goldin

There aren't any hard women, only soft men.

— Raquel Welch

Find your center and stay there...

— Barbara Ann Kipfer

If someone throws a stone at you. Throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

— Anonymous

Success always obsoletes the very behavior that achieved it.

— Peter Drucker

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

— Paul Fix

“When we get to the castle, stay behind me.” [...] “Why? So I can have a good view of your ass?”

— Jennifer Ellision

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

— Bill Cosby

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

— Tim Vine

Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sex is like math: You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply.

— Anonymous

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk…

— Mitch Hedberg

“Whoa, who was that?” “Madison Stone,” Kiara mutters. “Introduce me to her.” “Why?” Because I know it’ll annoy the shit out of…

— Simone Elkeles

“Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers and boys used to dress like their fathers. Now girls…

— Habeeb Akande

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by Is it Raining? Nope, I decided to take the fish for…

— Ritu Ghatourey

“It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing”

— Josh Stern

The only rule was that the stuff had to be funny and pretty short. To me, the quintessential Army Man joke was…

— George Meyer

That's why I like to get out there, and get people to see the other side of Mitt, and know us in…

— Ann Romney

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have…

— Bob Hope

A boy will manipulate your heart. The man explores it.

— Nikhil Saluja

“It's called the Infinity Effect.”

— Edward M. Wolfe

Defeat creates orphaned thoughts.

— Madeleine Blais

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

— Nikhil Saluja

Come, agree, the law's costly.

— Jonathan Swift

BEFORE TALKING: Please connect the TONGUE to the BRAIN!

— Anonymous

Physical courage is a great test.

— Oriana Fallaci

It is what you do about what happens that counts.

— Jim Rohn

Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives

— Hussein Nishah

I'm playing like Tarzan-and scoring like Jane.

— Chi Chi Rodriguez

Bored as a fat person without food...

— Anonymous

If a thing can be done, why do it?

— Gertrude Stein

There are no more liberals Theyve all been mugged.

— James Q. Wilson

We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus!

— Charles Bukowski

The sexy curve on a girl is her smile ;)

— Green Monk

Don't be an examiner, be the interested inquirer.

— Studs Terkel