If I gained a calorie for every time I thought of food, I'd be the size of a blue whale. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Periods are like going to bed on white sheets, then waking up on the flag of Japan. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My dog thinks I am patting his belly...little does he know I am playing the most epic drum solo of all time. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In a nerd wedding, instead of saying 'I do.' They say, 'I accept the terms and conditions.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
New condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Slap a player, stomp a bitch; they both ain't nothing but some nasty tricks. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear parents, we know money doesnt grow on trees, thats why we are asking you for it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I dont make enough money to go on vacation, so I'm just going to get drunk this weekend until I dont know… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not addicted to facebook! You know, I just use it whenever I have time. Lunch time, break time, bed time, off… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If Facebook is like dating, then Twitter is like a one night stand - it's fun while you're doing it, you finish… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says 'Aww you were soo cute! What happened?' Tell them; 'B*tch, I got… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: 'What do you do at a red light?' Me: 'I usually respond to texts and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One is fun to smash with a hammer and the other one is… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Applause to the person that erased you, then blocked you and is now looking at your FACEBOOK PROFILE through a friends account. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Money can't buy you happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a MERCEDES than on a BICYCLE. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
All our life our parents told us not to write on walls. Facebook teaches us differently. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
These animal crackers are bullshit, this elephant tastes exactly like the giraffe did. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not saying I am Batman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only reason I'd ever move to L.A. is to get away from conversations about the weather changing. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sorry the casting of Fifty Shades of Grey has caused you to completely revamp your masturbation fantasies. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I never said I hated you. I said if you were on fire I might consider roasting marshmallows. BIG DIFFERENCE!.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: 'Bathroom closed.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My excuse for being lazy: I'm not the real slim shady, so why would I stand up? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
No tears,no fears,respect it don't neglect it! I let my haters be my motivators! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Im so indie, she thinks to herself as she puts the lyrics to Skinny Love as her Facebook status. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And a tear rolled down her cheek, as she said goodbye; because she's walking away, and she's never looking back — Anonymous Copy Share
You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear.… — Anonymous Copy Share
Scrabble - The game is available in Braille. That’s a nice fact. This makes me feel better about humanity for some reason. I can’t… — Anonymous Copy Share
“THIS tale of my sore-troubled life I write, To thank the God of nature, who conveyed My soul to me, and with such care… — Anonymous Copy Share
Put on my J's and dance the whole night away Im naughty by nature like Im hip-hop hooray With my hands in the sky,… — Anonymous Copy Share
Me.. I have been through a lot, but I still manage to have a smile on my face. Im not worried about the past… — Anonymous Copy Share
Distance is a test of love. many will fail for those who can't withstand it, but for those who can, theres only one answer… — Anonymous Copy Share
The only person I've ever purposely caused pain here is myself...By simply sharing, caring too much. — Anonymous Copy Share
The truth is, of course, that the curtness of the Ten Commandments is an evidence, not of the gloom and narrowness of a religion,… — Anonymous Copy Share
