“For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s pale, bald, and bony. He looks like a skeleton. And that, my friend, is precisely why I keep him in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dressed up like a horse, and my horse-faced friend dressed up like a jockey. This worked out great, because I ended… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as man’s best friend, if you covered it in fur and taught it to bark and shit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don't know what accountant came up with that number, but in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
