Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.' — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy. — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads. — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it. — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs. — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
A talking dog is not the answer. That's not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me,… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man. — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you. — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know,… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
