Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'.… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
