Computers Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I've decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Like a vibrator bolted on a bulldozer, I’m a regular sex machine.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I am the time machine of love. Quick, pull my big lever!”

— Jarod Kintz

“I wish there were a vending machine that served cats. Not to eat, but to pet during my work break.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)”

— Jarod Kintz

“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length…

— Jarod Kintz

“I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my…

— Jarod Kintz

“Question for your life: If there were a fountain machine that dispensed destruction instead of soda, would you grab an extra large…

— Jarod Kintz

“I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33…

— Jarod Kintz

“I want to invent a What does it do? machine. “What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What…

— Jarod Kintz

“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably…

— Jarod Kintz

“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound…

— Jarod Kintz

“Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were…

— Jarod Kintz

“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived…

— Jarod Kintz

“First machine kicked man’s ass physically, then machine started taking over the left-brain when Deep Blue bested Kasparov in chess, and then…

— Jarod Kintz

“After I had my computer about a month, I finally figured out how to turn it on. (Hint: hitting it in various…

— Jarod Kintz

“If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun…

— Jarod Kintz

“A boring machine, would it drill holes—or put you to sleep? The two-party political system, that’s a boring machine, though voters are…

— Jarod Kintz

“A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it…

— Jarod Kintz

“My computer set-up is crazy. I have wireless set up on my iMac, aimed at a router, which itself is perfectly angled…

— Jarod Kintz

“Apple is the Ferrari of the computer world. I’m not sure if the “engine” is superior, however, but the frame sure is…

— Jarod Kintz

“So I am to be Robert’s replacement. On the one hand, there is no pressure, because it’s not like I am replacing…

— Jarod Kintz

“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the…

— Jarod Kintz

“Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m one washing machine away from throwing in the towel. But I’m not a quitter. I’m also out of laundry detergent.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There’s a naked woman on the phone for you,” Orafoura said.
”Have my clone get it,” I said. “I’m having a conversation with…

— Jarod Kintz

“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have…

— Jarod Kintz

“If you bring bring the karaoke machine, I'll bring the air guitar. Also, if you bring two brings, like I just brought,…

— Jarod Kintz

“A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and…

— Jarod Kintz

“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think…

— Jarod Kintz

“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,…

— Jarod Kintz

“Two days from now I invented a time travel machine out of my neighbor’s washing machine. I can’t go back yet, as…

— Jarod Kintz