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Coffee Quotes by Jarod Kintz

55 Coffee quotes by Jarod Kintz

All Coffee quotes Jarod Kintz’s page

Jarod Kintz treats a coffee mug like a handle on a tricky situation, using the drink to joke about naps and hot tea spills. He flips the idea of summer coffee and winter iced coffee, calling himself a contrarian. The strong aroma of his brew even wakes the neighbors, who then complain about his loud music.

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“I’m on the cusp of owning two cups.”

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“Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.”

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“I need either a small coffee or a large nap.”

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“The situation is a coffee mug, and I’ve got a handle on it.”

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“When my coffee is gone, so is my motivation.”

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“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.”

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“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the…

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“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being…

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“Add some mystery to your morning coffee and stir in some mist. Or go full fog for that #MissMarpleFlavor. Then solve it…

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“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.”

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“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to…

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“I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am…

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“I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I'm…

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“One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you…

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“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the…

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“I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you…

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“But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some…

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“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I…

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“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it…

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“If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just…

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“My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all…

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“You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink…

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“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired…

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“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee…

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“Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.”

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“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at…

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“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a…

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“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.”

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“Jack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.”

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“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.”

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“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.”

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“I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who…

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“I sat down to think. I didn’t want to drink my coffee, but I paid for it, so I thought I might…

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“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book…

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“I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.”

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“Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.”

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“I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness. ”

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“Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%! ”

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“I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.”

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“I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills. ”

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More by Jarod Kintz

“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

“I wouldn’t love you if you were the last Sodomite in Gomorrah.”

“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been…

“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,…

“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)”

“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out…

“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.”

“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.”

“Embossed letters represent the topography of typography.”

“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”

“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other…

“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg…

“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.”

“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing…

“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.”