Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
My dad was in radio; he was a broadcaster, and it was in the family. He hosted kind of a game show at one… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
