Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
