Birthday Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement…

— Jarod Kintz

“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in…

— Jarod Kintz

“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a…

— Jarod Kintz

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of…

— Jarod Kintz

“A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give…

— Jarod Kintz

“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches…

— Jarod Kintz

“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still keep coming around every four years.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born…

— Jarod Kintz

“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point…

— Jarod Kintz

“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday…

— Jarod Kintz

“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,…

— Jarod Kintz

“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg…

— Jarod Kintz

“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,…

— Jarod Kintz

“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33…

— Jarod Kintz

“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in…

— Jarod Kintz

“Don’t invite me to my birthday party until the day after it’s happened.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.”

— Jarod Kintz

“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony…

— Jarod Kintz

“When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid,…

— Jarod Kintz

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

— Jarod Kintz

“18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me…

— Jarod Kintz

“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.”

— Jarod Kintz

“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size…

— Jarod Kintz

“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them…

— Jarod Kintz

“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea,…

— Jarod Kintz

“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words:…

— Jarod Kintz

“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”

— Jarod Kintz