I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.'…

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

— Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

— Tim Vine

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

— Tim Vine

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.

— Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

— Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

— Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

— Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

— Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

— Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off.

— Tim Vine

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity…

— Tim Vine

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I…

— Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in.…

— Tim Vine

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not.…

— Tim Vine

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

— Tim Vine