You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I… — Zach Galifianakis Anger Copy Share Image
I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I… — Zach Galifianakis Boss Copy Share Image
I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon.… — Zach Galifianakis Baby Copy Share Image
“Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey.… — Zach Galifianakis Acting Copy Share Image
I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people… — Zach Galifianakis Dad Copy Share Image
I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. — Zach Galifianakis Dedicated Copy Share Image
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not… — Zach Galifianakis Busboys Copy Share Image
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple… — Zach Galifianakis Charades Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Book Copy Share Image
I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and… — Zach Galifianakis Anger Copy Share Image
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
