If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free. — P. J. O'Rourke Care Copy Share Image
There is no 20-year period in American history when stocks lost money. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty. — P. J. O'Rourke People Copy Share Image
There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch. — P. J. O'Rourke Clitoris Copy Share Image
When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Adam Smith is misread as being amoral precisely because people don't read his first book, because they don't read 'The Theory of… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
All business is capitalistic. You require capital for any sort of business endeavour. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing,… — P. J. O'Rourke Fame Copy Share Image
Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal,… — P. J. O'Rourke America Copy Share Image
The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Cars let us out of the barn and, while they were at it, destroyed the American nuclear family. As anyone who has… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The divorce rate in 1946 was higher than it ever had been and as high as it ever would be until the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in… — P. J. O'Rourke Brilliant Copy Share Image
There is a simple rule here, a rule of legislation, a rule of business, a rule of life: beyond a certain point,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that… — P. J. O'Rourke Death Copy Share Image
The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses… — P. J. O'Rourke Ancient Copy Share Image
When government does, occasionally, work, it works in an elitist fashion. That is, government is most easily manipulated by people who have… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
As long as we are on firm moral ground, as long as we're caring about other people, these are legitimate worries. The… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, 'branches' since that would imply that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
We print journalists are victims of economic forces beyond our control. We were as surprised as everyone else was by the sudden… — P. J. O'Rourke Analysis Copy Share Image
I buy a tractor two years ago, and four-fifths of the tractor manual is about not tipping over, not raising the bucket… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. It's not… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If I do, I say so. That's the only way out of that. If there are three words that need to be… — P. J. O'Rourke Basic principles Copy Share Image
