Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything! — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic. — P. J. O'Rourke Alcoholic Copy Share Image
Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I knew Hunter Thompson since the '70s, and I loved him, but he would wear me out as I got older. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Everybody in America who didn't come over the Bering Strait ice bridge stole his land from somebody else. — P. J. O'Rourke America Copy Share Image
My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts… — P. J. O'Rourke Brussel sprouts Copy Share Image
Something is worth what somebody will pay for it. Nothing else, nothing more, nothing less. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, they could have cheated investors… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet comes out, yet what… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
America has to act. But, when America acts, other nations accuse us of being 'hegemonistic', of engaging in 'unilateralism', of behaving as… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. — P. J. O'Rourke Armenians Copy Share Image
That is the really great thing about being an adult male, once you get married and have children the whole decision-making process… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
All religious believers should be licensed to make sure that they are competent to hold opinions and viewpoints and that they don't… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It's much better to have your arguments dismissed because you might be joking than to have your arguments dismissed because you're not… — P. J. O'Rourke Argument Copy Share Image
African famine is not a visitation of fate. It is largely man-made, and the men who made it are largely Africans. — P. J. O'Rourke Africans Copy Share Image
Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt. — P. J. O'Rourke Election Copy Share Image
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does. — P. J. O'Rourke Activist Copy Share Image
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. — P. J. O'Rourke Academic Copy Share Image
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. — P. J. O'Rourke Chinese Copy Share Image
In its worse forms, conservatism is a matter of 'I hate strangers and anything that's different.' — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Mistreatment of al Qaeda members and their friends and hangers-on is something I number among my moral concerns. But it's number 1,000,000,001. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well… — P. J. O'Rourke America Copy Share Image
The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too. — P. J. O'Rourke Communism Copy Share Image
If you get outside the world of show business and its satellites, there's a whole world of car nuts in the Los… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it. — P. J. O'Rourke Carpenter Copy Share Image
If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I've got a 1990 Porsche 911. It's just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers. — P. J. O'Rourke Corporal punishment Copy Share Image
There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians. — P. J. O'Rourke Italians Copy Share Image
Never strike anyone so old, small or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed. — P. J. O'Rourke Abuse Copy Share Image
