Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can be made; . . . also for bread. The French are… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind.… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RAREBIT n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,'… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin,… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
