MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists,… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
“GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust --to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. So skilled the parson was… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share
