“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I'm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Add some mystery to your morning coffee and stir in some mist. Or go full fog for that #MissMarpleFlavor. Then solve it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
