“A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t invite me to my birthday party until the day after it’s happened.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still keep coming around every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays: without them we'd be immortal. But just because you're not immortal, doesn't mean you can't be immature indefinitely.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
