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- For most of my 20s, I looked like I was 12. Now that I'm pushing 40, I guess I look closer to...… — Gabriel Mann
- If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do. — Zach Braff
- I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of… — Dave Barry
- Anywhere you want. Thailand, South Carolina, Brezil, Peru-- Oh, wait, no, I'm banned from Peru. I'd forgotten about that. It's a long… — Magnus
- Why would I get a wild card into an American tournament, (as the) top-ranked American? Why would that happen? That makes too… — Andy Roddick
- If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam - oh wait, he does. — Ann Coulter
- I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of… — Amy Sedaris
- Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their… — Jon Stewart