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- In the end, everything is a gag. — Charlie Chaplin
- If men are God's gift to women, then God must really love gag gifts. — Maya Angelou
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag… — Jack Handey
- They say when opportunity knocks you should let it in and invite it to sit at your table. F*** that -- when… — Tracy Morgan
- Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex,… — Kim Cattrall
- I'm not the guy to ask about politics. I'm a gag writer. — David Mamet
- If a footballer presents himself as a family man and goes and has sex with a prostitute, should he gag her? — Unknown Author
- In this land of unlimited opportunity, a place where, to paraphrase Woody Allen, any man or woman can realize greatness as a… — Vincent Canby
- Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey
- If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think… — Jack Handey
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say… — Jack Handey
- I would like to thank the people who encouraged me to draw army cartoons at a time when the gag man's conception… — Bill Mauldin